I figured it out. I figured it all out and I'm so happy.
He looks like the nighttime sky. The most beautiful thing in the world.
I love it. I love him.
9.24.2009
9.17.2009
well it's been a while
And I mean quite a while.
Updates:
1. I went on the first vacation in about two years (Yay!)
2. Started a second job (Nannying is NOT what it's cracked up to be. At all).
3. Moved out (Yup. I really, really did it).
4. Started my second year of college (Shit's for real now. Pretty scary stuff).
Anyway. Things have been going amazing lately. Amazing. The apartment, the boy, school, jobs, everything. Except for one thing.
The migraines have started up again. It's terrible. One day I had to leave work at 11:30 because I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk, I couldn't even talk it hurt so bad. I couldn't focus when driving home, and basically got into bed and slept until about 4. I had another one quite recently and it stayed for two whole freaking days. All I know is I'm going to be pissed if I get these migraines back from when I had them bad in 5th grade. Things are going well and I don't need anything else screwing it up for me. Not now.
Updates:
1. I went on the first vacation in about two years (Yay!)
2. Started a second job (Nannying is NOT what it's cracked up to be. At all).
3. Moved out (Yup. I really, really did it).
4. Started my second year of college (Shit's for real now. Pretty scary stuff).
Anyway. Things have been going amazing lately. Amazing. The apartment, the boy, school, jobs, everything. Except for one thing.
The migraines have started up again. It's terrible. One day I had to leave work at 11:30 because I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk, I couldn't even talk it hurt so bad. I couldn't focus when driving home, and basically got into bed and slept until about 4. I had another one quite recently and it stayed for two whole freaking days. All I know is I'm going to be pissed if I get these migraines back from when I had them bad in 5th grade. Things are going well and I don't need anything else screwing it up for me. Not now.
8.08.2009
please, never again.
I trust you.
I feel so much for you. In fact, I feel, well, I don't know if I can say it here. I'm scared to say it because I don't know if I can say it first. I'm too scared. I'm far too scared. And I always will be. That's why I keep feelings inside for the most part, until I explode and everything comes out in a bundle of words that don't make any sense to anyone but myself.
I can't imagine what things would be like without you now. Without you here, saving me from loneliness.
I want to be everything for you as you are for me.
That being said, please, please, please don't ever yell at me like that. It was scary. It was sad. It felt like you-know-who all over again. You're better than him. You're a thousand times better the man he ever was and ever will be. I never want to be transported back to that feeling ever again.
Please.
I feel so much for you. In fact, I feel, well, I don't know if I can say it here. I'm scared to say it because I don't know if I can say it first. I'm too scared. I'm far too scared. And I always will be. That's why I keep feelings inside for the most part, until I explode and everything comes out in a bundle of words that don't make any sense to anyone but myself.
I can't imagine what things would be like without you now. Without you here, saving me from loneliness.
I want to be everything for you as you are for me.
That being said, please, please, please don't ever yell at me like that. It was scary. It was sad. It felt like you-know-who all over again. You're better than him. You're a thousand times better the man he ever was and ever will be. I never want to be transported back to that feeling ever again.
Please.
7.10.2009
it's late
and I can't sleep, of course.
I'm talking on the phone with Chris right now (hey Chris!) and I can't really decide how I want to start this. I mean, I don't really know what I'm going to write. So here goes.
Chris says I'm amazing. He says I'm awesome and everything, but I don't see it. I mean, okay, maybe I'm awesome now, but I mean, I just feel like I'm waiting for the day that he wakes up and realizes that he can do better than me. I don't know. I just, sometimes feel in over my head. Not anything too seriously. I mean, it's hard knowing that I don't know his friends, or that there was no common ground when we started dating. It wasn't hard, I guess I should say, but it was scary. Scarier than anything I have been through in the past year, and I've been through a lot. But knowing that there is no one else there for me who knows me, who knows my past is hard. They know nothing of my high school career. They know nothing about me in my middle school years.
But at the same time, isn't this what I wanted all throughout high school? A chance to start over? A chance to start new with someone who didn't know all of my flaws? I wanted to run away so badly to Montana, to start all over with all new people. I essentially did that with Chris. I just didn't have to move a thousand miles away. I love that Chris and his friends think I'm cool, but I'm scared that they'll figure out that I'm not cool. I was a loser growing up.
I'm so thankful for Chris. He has no idea how close I was to giving up completely on boys, on relationships, on all of that.
I'm so glad he came into Steak n' Shake that day and I am so damn glad he asked for my number.
I'm talking on the phone with Chris right now (hey Chris!) and I can't really decide how I want to start this. I mean, I don't really know what I'm going to write. So here goes.
Chris says I'm amazing. He says I'm awesome and everything, but I don't see it. I mean, okay, maybe I'm awesome now, but I mean, I just feel like I'm waiting for the day that he wakes up and realizes that he can do better than me. I don't know. I just, sometimes feel in over my head. Not anything too seriously. I mean, it's hard knowing that I don't know his friends, or that there was no common ground when we started dating. It wasn't hard, I guess I should say, but it was scary. Scarier than anything I have been through in the past year, and I've been through a lot. But knowing that there is no one else there for me who knows me, who knows my past is hard. They know nothing of my high school career. They know nothing about me in my middle school years.
But at the same time, isn't this what I wanted all throughout high school? A chance to start over? A chance to start new with someone who didn't know all of my flaws? I wanted to run away so badly to Montana, to start all over with all new people. I essentially did that with Chris. I just didn't have to move a thousand miles away. I love that Chris and his friends think I'm cool, but I'm scared that they'll figure out that I'm not cool. I was a loser growing up.
I'm so thankful for Chris. He has no idea how close I was to giving up completely on boys, on relationships, on all of that.
I'm so glad he came into Steak n' Shake that day and I am so damn glad he asked for my number.
6.26.2009
this is a good thing,
but I haven't been posting because there isn't any reason to anymore.
I mean, things are happening. Things are happening like crazy. For starters, Michael Jackson died, along with Farrah Fawcett. Jackson was only 50 and Fawcett was only 62. Both younger than my grandmother. Granted, most grandmothers should be old, but still. I feel as though 50 and 62 are far too young to die.
It turns out there is a chance I can move into an apartment in late July versus the middle of August, which would help me out a lot with everything that I have planned at the end of July, more notably the wedding in Virginia.
When I say there aren't things needed to be posted on here, I really mean that things with Chris and I are going great. Really great. I got drunk last night in front of him. Really, really drunk. Stupid, hitting my head against a chair drunk. I'm having people telling me about what I had talked about last night and I completely understand why people don't remember what they had said while being drunk. Embarrassing, yes. God, yes. It's unnatural how embarrassed I am about it. But I did have fun. Oh, yes I did. And I totally feel like this was needed. I mean, I've drank in front of him, but never like this. I did four shots in an hour. I think. Well, an hour and a half, I suppose. And then I got to do two more shots after the worst of my drunk-ness.
Anyway. There's not too much to add to this posting. I wanted to be able to tell Chris that I updated my blog (finally).
:)
I mean, things are happening. Things are happening like crazy. For starters, Michael Jackson died, along with Farrah Fawcett. Jackson was only 50 and Fawcett was only 62. Both younger than my grandmother. Granted, most grandmothers should be old, but still. I feel as though 50 and 62 are far too young to die.
It turns out there is a chance I can move into an apartment in late July versus the middle of August, which would help me out a lot with everything that I have planned at the end of July, more notably the wedding in Virginia.
When I say there aren't things needed to be posted on here, I really mean that things with Chris and I are going great. Really great. I got drunk last night in front of him. Really, really drunk. Stupid, hitting my head against a chair drunk. I'm having people telling me about what I had talked about last night and I completely understand why people don't remember what they had said while being drunk. Embarrassing, yes. God, yes. It's unnatural how embarrassed I am about it. But I did have fun. Oh, yes I did. And I totally feel like this was needed. I mean, I've drank in front of him, but never like this. I did four shots in an hour. I think. Well, an hour and a half, I suppose. And then I got to do two more shots after the worst of my drunk-ness.
Anyway. There's not too much to add to this posting. I wanted to be able to tell Chris that I updated my blog (finally).
:)
6.13.2009
moving on out
in August. Of course the apartment that would have been available now has already been leased.
Duh.
Anyway. Here's a list of things I'll need. If I don't write all this down somewhere, I'll never remember everything.
Bedroom
Bed
Bookshelf (2)
Desk
TV (and TV stand)
Laundry baskets (at least 2, if not 3)
Storage drawers (for dresser)
Under-the-bed storage (2)
Curtains
Printer
Mirror
Trash can
Clothes (duh)
Movies and music
Bathroom
Towels
Bathmats
Toothbrush holder & cup
Basket to keep things in
Makeup container
CD player
Hair dryer
Flat iron straightener
Living Room/Kitchen
Couches/Chairs
Coffee table
TV
Rugs (?)
Toaster
Microwave
Rice cooker
Grill (of the George Foreman variety)
Dishes
Glasses
Silverware
Silverware HOLDER
Pots & pans
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. We still need a lot for the kitchen. I haven't even thought about all of this.
And I really need to get some sleep.
Duh.
Anyway. Here's a list of things I'll need. If I don't write all this down somewhere, I'll never remember everything.
Bedroom
Bed
Bookshelf (2)
Desk
TV (and TV stand)
Laundry baskets (at least 2, if not 3)
Storage drawers (for dresser)
Under-the-bed storage (2)
Curtains
Printer
Mirror
Trash can
Clothes (duh)
Movies and music
Bathroom
Towels
Bathmats
Toothbrush holder & cup
Basket to keep things in
Makeup container
CD player
Hair dryer
Flat iron straightener
Living Room/Kitchen
Couches/Chairs
Coffee table
TV
Rugs (?)
Toaster
Microwave
Rice cooker
Grill (of the George Foreman variety)
Dishes
Glasses
Silverware
Silverware HOLDER
Pots & pans
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. We still need a lot for the kitchen. I haven't even thought about all of this.
And I really need to get some sleep.
6.12.2009
& not a moment too soon
I'm moving out.
Soon, I mean. Not today. But I'm looking at the apartment with one of the roommates tomorrow afternoon.
And of course, my parents don't think I can do it. Of course. I mean, I understand why. I do. But I'm not doing what my mother did. I don't know why she thinks that's acceptable for me, but it's not. I'm not living at home until I'm married. There's a whole wide world out there for me, and you can bet yourself that I'm going to explore it. I can't stay here anymore. I'm sick of telling them where I am all the time (and lying to them about where I really am), I'm sick of sharing a room, I'm sick of feeling guilty about not being at home. I'm in college, and Mum and Dad, I'm sorry college didn't work out for you, but I'm going to enjoy my college years. I'm going to do stupid things and live on my own and be poor, and I'm going to love it. I'm going to cherish these years that I'll never be able to get back after I graduate.
Anyway. I feel terrible for Chris. He's sick, and, well, thank you jesus for him not being a great big BABY about being sick. I can't stand that so much. He's just the same, if not a little more quiet about it. I'm sick of having to completely take care of people while they're sick. Seriously. But I just feel bad because I'm also more quiet while he's sick because I don't know the right thing to say. I never know the right thing to say or do when I'm around him. Whenever I see him, my stomach does flip-flops, and my heart jumps to my throat. I still get nervous when I look into his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, and my skin feels alive whenever he touches me.
Oh, sweet jesus, I hope he's not reading this.
I mean, it's been a month. One month since he got my number and this wonderful adventure began. Stephanie thinks we're moving a bit too fast. We've already spent the night together twice, and I understand why she's so concerned. This is exactly how I get myself hurt. And you know, the thing is? I don't even care.
So. I will enjoy this. I will cherish it, love the moments, live the moments.
:)
Soon, I mean. Not today. But I'm looking at the apartment with one of the roommates tomorrow afternoon.
And of course, my parents don't think I can do it. Of course. I mean, I understand why. I do. But I'm not doing what my mother did. I don't know why she thinks that's acceptable for me, but it's not. I'm not living at home until I'm married. There's a whole wide world out there for me, and you can bet yourself that I'm going to explore it. I can't stay here anymore. I'm sick of telling them where I am all the time (and lying to them about where I really am), I'm sick of sharing a room, I'm sick of feeling guilty about not being at home. I'm in college, and Mum and Dad, I'm sorry college didn't work out for you, but I'm going to enjoy my college years. I'm going to do stupid things and live on my own and be poor, and I'm going to love it. I'm going to cherish these years that I'll never be able to get back after I graduate.
Anyway. I feel terrible for Chris. He's sick, and, well, thank you jesus for him not being a great big BABY about being sick. I can't stand that so much. He's just the same, if not a little more quiet about it. I'm sick of having to completely take care of people while they're sick. Seriously. But I just feel bad because I'm also more quiet while he's sick because I don't know the right thing to say. I never know the right thing to say or do when I'm around him. Whenever I see him, my stomach does flip-flops, and my heart jumps to my throat. I still get nervous when I look into his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, and my skin feels alive whenever he touches me.
Oh, sweet jesus, I hope he's not reading this.
I mean, it's been a month. One month since he got my number and this wonderful adventure began. Stephanie thinks we're moving a bit too fast. We've already spent the night together twice, and I understand why she's so concerned. This is exactly how I get myself hurt. And you know, the thing is? I don't even care.
So. I will enjoy this. I will cherish it, love the moments, live the moments.
:)
6.10.2009
of course i gave in
and let Chris read my blog.
Well, parts. I let him read good things about himself. The first couple of entries when Chris was around. Not the last one (even though I just fixed it).
I'm so exciteddddddd. i'm looking at the apartment we could potentially be moving into on Thursday. I could potentially be living on my own in a matter of days. This is so exciting it's not even funny.
Oh my god, it's almost 5 in the morning. Brilliant. So much for waking up early in the morning to be productive.
Well, parts. I let him read good things about himself. The first couple of entries when Chris was around. Not the last one (even though I just fixed it).
I'm so exciteddddddd. i'm looking at the apartment we could potentially be moving into on Thursday. I could potentially be living on my own in a matter of days. This is so exciting it's not even funny.
Oh my god, it's almost 5 in the morning. Brilliant. So much for waking up early in the morning to be productive.
6.07.2009
oh wow.
Well, I found out.
And I should have just gone with my gut instinct.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
And true, he did say he's done everything but. But what does that include? I mean, my definition could be completely different. But I don't know. I don't care either way if he is or isn't. I don't. It's, I'm just so fucking scared that he's going to take off now. Me and John talked about it. It makes sense to him. Total sense.
And of course I started freaking out before I told him. What he told me, I will never forget. No guy, no one for that matter, has ever been that sweet to me, ever. I can't believe that he said that. It was amazing. "I know you're nervous, even though I don't know why you are nervous around me, and I know you're scared that I'm going to leave if you say something, but listen to me when I tell you this: I will not leave after anything you say, unless it's 'this is not working out.' do you understand?"
Well. Definition of tonight: amazing & spectacular. with a little dash of complicated.
And I should have just gone with my gut instinct.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
And true, he did say he's done everything but. But what does that include? I mean, my definition could be completely different. But I don't know. I don't care either way if he is or isn't. I don't. It's, I'm just so fucking scared that he's going to take off now. Me and John talked about it. It makes sense to him. Total sense.
And of course I started freaking out before I told him. What he told me, I will never forget. No guy, no one for that matter, has ever been that sweet to me, ever. I can't believe that he said that. It was amazing. "I know you're nervous, even though I don't know why you are nervous around me, and I know you're scared that I'm going to leave if you say something, but listen to me when I tell you this: I will not leave after anything you say, unless it's 'this is not working out.' do you understand?"
Well. Definition of tonight: amazing & spectacular. with a little dash of complicated.
6.04.2009
st. augustine
is just too damn far from woodstock.
I finally got my tattoo retouched. It looks great-but it doesn't look like the original. It's all purple flowers, not red and pink. It looks great, don't get me wrong, but I don't know if I'm 100% happy with the retouch. The flowers do look great though, so I'm excited for finally having a re-inked foot. I absolutely love it when people see it and tell me they like it. It's probably one of those things that just makes my day :)
Chris. I don't even know what to say about him because I can't even focus my thoughts about him. He's amazing. He's gorgeous. He's the most absolutely, wonderfully, most thoughtful man I've ever known. I love just being around him. His laughter makes me laugh. I can seriously be having the worst day ever and he can make it all better. And, we get along great. We joke with each other perfectly. We are the beer pong champions, for christ's sake. Stephanie's getting upset because we're so cutesy, and I may roll my eyes about something he said, but then I smile because I get so happy about what he says. I can't believe that someone feels the same way about me. I mean, what did I do to deserve this?
I finally got my tattoo retouched. It looks great-but it doesn't look like the original. It's all purple flowers, not red and pink. It looks great, don't get me wrong, but I don't know if I'm 100% happy with the retouch. The flowers do look great though, so I'm excited for finally having a re-inked foot. I absolutely love it when people see it and tell me they like it. It's probably one of those things that just makes my day :)
Chris. I don't even know what to say about him because I can't even focus my thoughts about him. He's amazing. He's gorgeous. He's the most absolutely, wonderfully, most thoughtful man I've ever known. I love just being around him. His laughter makes me laugh. I can seriously be having the worst day ever and he can make it all better. And, we get along great. We joke with each other perfectly. We are the beer pong champions, for christ's sake. Stephanie's getting upset because we're so cutesy, and I may roll my eyes about something he said, but then I smile because I get so happy about what he says. I can't believe that someone feels the same way about me. I mean, what did I do to deserve this?
5.29.2009
is he, or is he not?
That seems to be the big question.
Last night. Wow. We were in his basement doing, well, basement things, and he really took over, I guess we should say, and just, wow.
It is killing me. I just need to know. But I will say, he's so cute. Really.
He's so amazing. I don't understand what I did to deserve him at all.
I'm actually about to go out and apartment hunt. ME. Apartment hunt. God, I'm so excited. I really hope I get my own apartment and start to live like an actual adult.
Last night. Wow. We were in his basement doing, well, basement things, and he really took over, I guess we should say, and just, wow.
It is killing me. I just need to know. But I will say, he's so cute. Really.
He's so amazing. I don't understand what I did to deserve him at all.
I'm actually about to go out and apartment hunt. ME. Apartment hunt. God, I'm so excited. I really hope I get my own apartment and start to live like an actual adult.
5.28.2009
passion.
Passion.
Something I have too much of. And I know it. I know it all too well. I let myself open way too easily.
But, oh lord, I can't help it. Not when I'm with Chris. Everything is so different this time. I try to tell that to Asha and Stephanie. And I think they understand somewhat, but they don't know what I'm feeling totally. I can't even begin to explain it. Not out loud.
I know I'm feeling too much. I'm feeling too much for him, and oh, how I want things to work out perfect this time. And I know it will on my end. And he can see how scared I am. I know he's scared. But, I don't know.
And I know he wants to read this (I don't know why people are so curious about blogs. And if you're reading this, Chris, well, then, I'm sorry for everything you're about to read), but I just can't let him in 100%. I have to give myself some room to land on if this all falls apart. I'm waiting for the day when I get the couple of days of no calls. I'm waiting for the uncomfortable phone call, the reasons he'll give. And I know he keeps telling me it'll be okay, but everyone else said that to me, and look what happened.
I'm so passionate, and it always ends up hurting me in the end. But heaven help me if I'm not going to enjoy and cherish and, well, like him for the time I do get to spend with him.
I can get drunk off of his laughter. I could spend forever looking in his beautiful eyes. I nearly fainted just by looking at him. He is absolutely perfect for me.
Something I have too much of. And I know it. I know it all too well. I let myself open way too easily.
But, oh lord, I can't help it. Not when I'm with Chris. Everything is so different this time. I try to tell that to Asha and Stephanie. And I think they understand somewhat, but they don't know what I'm feeling totally. I can't even begin to explain it. Not out loud.
I know I'm feeling too much. I'm feeling too much for him, and oh, how I want things to work out perfect this time. And I know it will on my end. And he can see how scared I am. I know he's scared. But, I don't know.
And I know he wants to read this (I don't know why people are so curious about blogs. And if you're reading this, Chris, well, then, I'm sorry for everything you're about to read), but I just can't let him in 100%. I have to give myself some room to land on if this all falls apart. I'm waiting for the day when I get the couple of days of no calls. I'm waiting for the uncomfortable phone call, the reasons he'll give. And I know he keeps telling me it'll be okay, but everyone else said that to me, and look what happened.
I'm so passionate, and it always ends up hurting me in the end. But heaven help me if I'm not going to enjoy and cherish and, well, like him for the time I do get to spend with him.
I can get drunk off of his laughter. I could spend forever looking in his beautiful eyes. I nearly fainted just by looking at him. He is absolutely perfect for me.
5.26.2009
i can't believe i'm still awake
I can't believe how amazing my life has been going so far.
I honestly and truly don't know the last time I was this happy.
I don't understand why he's with me. He's so hot and his body is slamming. I can't even begin to describe it.
There's only one thing that describes everything that's been happening lately.
:)
I honestly and truly don't know the last time I was this happy.
I don't understand why he's with me. He's so hot and his body is slamming. I can't even begin to describe it.
There's only one thing that describes everything that's been happening lately.
:)
5.15.2009
lately.
Lately things have been amazing. I can only hope that they continue that they will.
Even if this doesn't work out, even if I get hurt again, it'll all be worth it. The memories, the laughter, it's all worth it.
Even if this doesn't work out, even if I get hurt again, it'll all be worth it. The memories, the laughter, it's all worth it.
5.08.2009
social networking sites
have really gone to shit.
Facebook now offers quizzes. On anything. Anything you would like to quiz yourself over. Your sex life. Your kissing style. Does he really love you (girls only omgz!!1!).
Really. It's really ridiculous. I just don't understand why Facebook had to do that. I loved facebook before they added all of those ridiculous features on it. It's so ridiculous.
Ridiculous.
Okay. I'm banning myself from usage of that word now. I promise.
I saw Star Trek at midnight with my friend. It wasn't as bad as a I thought it would be. My friend hated it, but she hates all action, so I really can't blame her for hating it. But I didn't think it was that bad. It was better than Star Wars, I'll give you that much.
Dude. It's 4:30 in the morning and my dad's alarm just went off. And it's rap music. WOW.
But it was good. As in, I'll buy it on DVD for myself. But that's about it.
Facebook now offers quizzes. On anything. Anything you would like to quiz yourself over. Your sex life. Your kissing style. Does he really love you (girls only omgz!!1!).
Really. It's really ridiculous. I just don't understand why Facebook had to do that. I loved facebook before they added all of those ridiculous features on it. It's so ridiculous.
Ridiculous.
Okay. I'm banning myself from usage of that word now. I promise.
I saw Star Trek at midnight with my friend. It wasn't as bad as a I thought it would be. My friend hated it, but she hates all action, so I really can't blame her for hating it. But I didn't think it was that bad. It was better than Star Wars, I'll give you that much.
Dude. It's 4:30 in the morning and my dad's alarm just went off. And it's rap music. WOW.
But it was good. As in, I'll buy it on DVD for myself. But that's about it.
5.06.2009
i'm a bad, bad girl.
I cheated.
I went to Sex and the City's website and looked at the episode guide. And I read. Oh, lord, I read. And now I know everything.
Shit.
And what I want to know is why people like her go to friggin' toga parties and I haven't been to one yet.
What. The. Fuck. It's like the world is freaking backwards or something. I'm so done.
I went to Sex and the City's website and looked at the episode guide. And I read. Oh, lord, I read. And now I know everything.
Shit.
And what I want to know is why people like her go to friggin' toga parties and I haven't been to one yet.
What. The. Fuck. It's like the world is freaking backwards or something. I'm so done.
5.05.2009
finals.
Finals can kiss my fucking ass.
Just. One. More. Day.
And then I'm done. For a month, at least. But summer classes CAN'T be as difficult as freaking Human Communications. I should have just dropped the damn class when I had the chance. But noooo. Fucking Adam fucking Wahl had to be all, well, I like you, and then POKE AND FUCKING PROD about my viriginity. Seriously, what freak does that? You either have it or you don't, end of story. There's no reason to go into any specifics. This is college, not middle school. I'm done with the whole, well, if you're not a virgin, you're not pure bullshit that I've been force-fed my whole life down here. I know more people who have sex than who don't, so why does everyone give a shit? Why is it such a big deal that you've lost your viriginity? Seriously.
Anyway. Sex and the City is amazing. I can't even believe that Carrie told Aidan! I can't believe he broke up with her on Charlotte's wedding day! God, my heart broke when I watched that episode. And I decided: Aidan is the man I'm going to marry one day.
Back to more "studying."
Just. One. More. Day.
And then I'm done. For a month, at least. But summer classes CAN'T be as difficult as freaking Human Communications. I should have just dropped the damn class when I had the chance. But noooo. Fucking Adam fucking Wahl had to be all, well, I like you, and then POKE AND FUCKING PROD about my viriginity. Seriously, what freak does that? You either have it or you don't, end of story. There's no reason to go into any specifics. This is college, not middle school. I'm done with the whole, well, if you're not a virgin, you're not pure bullshit that I've been force-fed my whole life down here. I know more people who have sex than who don't, so why does everyone give a shit? Why is it such a big deal that you've lost your viriginity? Seriously.
Anyway. Sex and the City is amazing. I can't even believe that Carrie told Aidan! I can't believe he broke up with her on Charlotte's wedding day! God, my heart broke when I watched that episode. And I decided: Aidan is the man I'm going to marry one day.
Back to more "studying."
5.04.2009
oh no.
I did it. I did the naughty. I did the worst thing I could possibly do.
I told him I'd give him another chance.
I went over last night and we just talked, mostly. I told him I can't be hurt like that again. He told me he can't stand to be strung along. I told him I was hurt more by that text message than I should have been. He said he can't take it back.
I can't believe I did that. There is something majorly wrong with me. Seriously. What would my friends and family think?
GOD. And nothing happened. Nothing major, at least. But it was nice. What we did do. I just, I don't know.
Should I give up dating and just go back to seeing/whatever-it-is-I'm-doing with him, or should I keep trying? Should I go after P? Should I try with Muscles?
I do like Muscles. I think. I haven't talked to him recently, which is okay, I'm pretty sure. He's four hours away, so that's okay. And he's really easy to talk to. And he has a love of sports and music, which is always good. But. But he is very into church. And I'm so afraid of that day, that day when he asks me to go to to church with him, and even if I do go, I'm not going to lie for sake of a relationship. And I don't want him to be upset with me because what I believe.
And same with P. What am I supposed to do about that? I have no idea about him, and I still can't stop thinking about him. But I know he goes to First Baptist of Woodstock, and I can't do with that. And I don't know if he would be open to just being respectful to my beliefs. I would be to his. And I want to stress that expotentially to him, to anyone. But the way he looks at me, oh, it just drives me wild. And, I just, Jesus, this all scares me so bad.
I told him I'd give him another chance.
I went over last night and we just talked, mostly. I told him I can't be hurt like that again. He told me he can't stand to be strung along. I told him I was hurt more by that text message than I should have been. He said he can't take it back.
I can't believe I did that. There is something majorly wrong with me. Seriously. What would my friends and family think?
GOD. And nothing happened. Nothing major, at least. But it was nice. What we did do. I just, I don't know.
Should I give up dating and just go back to seeing/whatever-it-is-I'm-doing with him, or should I keep trying? Should I go after P? Should I try with Muscles?
I do like Muscles. I think. I haven't talked to him recently, which is okay, I'm pretty sure. He's four hours away, so that's okay. And he's really easy to talk to. And he has a love of sports and music, which is always good. But. But he is very into church. And I'm so afraid of that day, that day when he asks me to go to to church with him, and even if I do go, I'm not going to lie for sake of a relationship. And I don't want him to be upset with me because what I believe.
And same with P. What am I supposed to do about that? I have no idea about him, and I still can't stop thinking about him. But I know he goes to First Baptist of Woodstock, and I can't do with that. And I don't know if he would be open to just being respectful to my beliefs. I would be to his. And I want to stress that expotentially to him, to anyone. But the way he looks at me, oh, it just drives me wild. And, I just, Jesus, this all scares me so bad.
5.03.2009
all these lies
and not enough hope to fill a bucket.
I can't believe my best friend would lie about something like that. Well, something that has no bearing on my life or his. I can't stand doing this to myself. I don't even know what to do anymore. It's killing me. Seriously.
I need to run away. I need to run from everything that angers me, from everything that frightens me, from everything that hates me.
He scares me. The person he is now, he's stronger than me. He's stronger than he's ever been and it scares the shit out of me. He over powers me without realizing it. He can shut up me with a single look. And the worst part is, it's all because of everything that happened. I want nothing more than to scream at him. To ask him what really happened with his father. To ask him why the fuck he believed him, that baby-killer.
And there is nothing more I need than hope. Hope that things work out with anything. Hope that I can fulfill my dreams. Hope that I will one day gather up nerve and run as far as I can away from here.
I can't believe my best friend would lie about something like that. Well, something that has no bearing on my life or his. I can't stand doing this to myself. I don't even know what to do anymore. It's killing me. Seriously.
I need to run away. I need to run from everything that angers me, from everything that frightens me, from everything that hates me.
He scares me. The person he is now, he's stronger than me. He's stronger than he's ever been and it scares the shit out of me. He over powers me without realizing it. He can shut up me with a single look. And the worst part is, it's all because of everything that happened. I want nothing more than to scream at him. To ask him what really happened with his father. To ask him why the fuck he believed him, that baby-killer.
And there is nothing more I need than hope. Hope that things work out with anything. Hope that I can fulfill my dreams. Hope that I will one day gather up nerve and run as far as I can away from here.
5.02.2009
April 29, 2009
Ella Marie's Birthday.
I don't know how long it's going to take me to get used to this as a new birthday in the Goff family. It's strange. I can't believe how fast I fell in love with her. She's absolutely perfect. I can't wait to play with her, and to buy her toys, and to take her out to get ice cream and to the park. I can't wait to teach her how to swim, and how to speak French, I can't wait for everything.
I just got done with Sex and the City: Season Two and I hate Big and love Steve. End of story.
I can't believe I just admitted to my ex that I lied about how many people I've been with.
I can't believe I'm talking to my ex. Again.
I know my friends will hate me for this. For talking to him. I don't want to. I have a date with Muscles when he comes back from school. If that's even still on. I still don't believe that he likes me. I can't believe that it's Muscles.
And all I have to say is, if I followed everyone's advice, I'd never talk to anyone I know.
I don't know how long it's going to take me to get used to this as a new birthday in the Goff family. It's strange. I can't believe how fast I fell in love with her. She's absolutely perfect. I can't wait to play with her, and to buy her toys, and to take her out to get ice cream and to the park. I can't wait to teach her how to swim, and how to speak French, I can't wait for everything.
I just got done with Sex and the City: Season Two and I hate Big and love Steve. End of story.
I can't believe I just admitted to my ex that I lied about how many people I've been with.
I can't believe I'm talking to my ex. Again.
I know my friends will hate me for this. For talking to him. I don't want to. I have a date with Muscles when he comes back from school. If that's even still on. I still don't believe that he likes me. I can't believe that it's Muscles.
And all I have to say is, if I followed everyone's advice, I'd never talk to anyone I know.
4.28.2009
A list of all that's good and well.
I'm tired, and the only thing that helps me when I'm tired and stressed are lists. So here we go.
Things I know for a fact
1. It's exactly 12:00 as I type this sentence and I need to finish my communications workbook and study for my government test before class.
2. I'm very tired, and I'm guessing nothing will get done.
3. Really, I just want to watch Sex and the City and lay in bed until I have to get up tomorrow morning.
4. I'm 99% moving in with Rebecca and her friend Andrew for next year, which excites the hell outta me.
5. I'm excited for May 11th.
6. I'm also excited for what else comes along with May 11th, however, I'm unsure about May 11th. I don't know what to expect out of it.
7. I think it's odd that my friends are expecting something to come out of this.
8. I really, really, really like this boy who's name starts with a "P" and ends with an "reston" and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know anything about it, which is just brilliant.
Things I am not sure of
1. This whole armboard business. I need to know if it's for sure or not.
2. Passing human communications, basically.
3. What all is happening on or around May 11th. I am excited for it, yet I'm scared/nervous.
4. This whole business with Preston. And yes, it's a fucking business.
So. This didn't help much. Actually, at all. I just want to sit in my pajamas and eat ice cream. Which, I am finally cutting cold turkey out of my life. I have gained five pounds since starting college, and I am going to put an end to that. I'm going to start working out like I need to be and I'm going to start running or swimming or doing something constructive with my extra time. I need to do something thats going to be good for me, really. I also really need to put in that job application at the Kaysons so I can hopefully take on a second job. I need to make some extra cash, especially if I do move in with Rebecca and Andrew.
Also, I need to find out what the fuck is wrong with my eyes.
Things I know for a fact
1. It's exactly 12:00 as I type this sentence and I need to finish my communications workbook and study for my government test before class.
2. I'm very tired, and I'm guessing nothing will get done.
3. Really, I just want to watch Sex and the City and lay in bed until I have to get up tomorrow morning.
4. I'm 99% moving in with Rebecca and her friend Andrew for next year, which excites the hell outta me.
5. I'm excited for May 11th.
6. I'm also excited for what else comes along with May 11th, however, I'm unsure about May 11th. I don't know what to expect out of it.
7. I think it's odd that my friends are expecting something to come out of this.
8. I really, really, really like this boy who's name starts with a "P" and ends with an "reston" and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know anything about it, which is just brilliant.
Things I am not sure of
1. This whole armboard business. I need to know if it's for sure or not.
2. Passing human communications, basically.
3. What all is happening on or around May 11th. I am excited for it, yet I'm scared/nervous.
4. This whole business with Preston. And yes, it's a fucking business.
So. This didn't help much. Actually, at all. I just want to sit in my pajamas and eat ice cream. Which, I am finally cutting cold turkey out of my life. I have gained five pounds since starting college, and I am going to put an end to that. I'm going to start working out like I need to be and I'm going to start running or swimming or doing something constructive with my extra time. I need to do something thats going to be good for me, really. I also really need to put in that job application at the Kaysons so I can hopefully take on a second job. I need to make some extra cash, especially if I do move in with Rebecca and Andrew.
Also, I need to find out what the fuck is wrong with my eyes.
ever wonder?
As I lay (or lie, I never remember) in my bed, trying to get some sleep before my 8 A.M. class, my iPod magically plays Nickelback's "Gotta Be Somebody." Okay. Not magically. But I didn't mean for it to play. It just did. I just went to the Nickelback, Saving Abel and Seether concert last Thursday, which was amazing. A lot of it had to do with the fact that it was outdoors and it rained and stormed the whole time, and at one time, after Nickelback had started to play, it downpoured, which made the concert about a thousand times better.
But as the song is playing in my ears, I'm listening to the "there's gotta be somebody for me" and I'm looking on the right side of my bed, wondering if somebody, okay, well, that somebody is on the right side of his bed, looking over at the left side of his bed, wondering the same thing. You see it in movies, and I'm a firm believer that that actually happens in real life. I just need to know that this is all worth it in the end, and that things will work out to how they're supposed to. But at the same time, I can't wait. I need to know now so I can plan accordingly. And yes, plan. I need to know what will happen and when. I can't take this whole "take life one day at a time thing" seriously. I mean, come on, what kind of bullshit is that? People die. Everyday, doing normal, everyday things. If I at least know, I can plan things so I can work out what I need to do before that happens and I need to figure out what I can fit in and what I can't, and with who, and doing what.
But the feelings that I'm feeling for this guy. It's not logical. I can't for the life of me explain it to how I need to. I can't explain it to myself, nor to anyone else who asks. It's ridiculous that these feelings have been here for as long as they have been. They shouldn't still be here. I haven't talked to him, not as often as I should to be feeling like this. And I have this feeling that he doesn't feel the same way.
But, then again, I also have a feeling that he does, and that scares me even more. We don't know much about each other at all, and that's so scary to me. He's back in town, or he should be, since school is out for him. I can't believe this. I can't believe that I'm actually writing all of this down for people to see. I just wish I could sit him down and ask him how he feels. Or more importantly, tell him how I do. Tell him that even though this is illogical for our interactions, I really like him and would like to see where things progress. Or, tell him that and then get my heart crushed again. But then again, it seems like that would be better than living like I am, wondering when the next time I'll see him or I'll talk to him or someone else will talk about him.
Quote Bag
"If you just realize what I just realize then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another" Colbie Caillat
"It's like I waited my whole life for this one night" Chris Brown
"Where were you when everything was falling apart?" The Fray
"What a feeling in my soul" Aqualung
"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend" The Fray
"So caught up now in pretending, that what we're seeking is the truth. I'm just looking for a happy ending, all I'm looking for is you." Pat Green
"And not a moment too soon, without a minute to spare, you touched my heart when I didn't have a prayer." Tim McGraw
There will be a lot more to add to this. Of course I can't think of any of the recent songs that I wanted to put on this bag. But I really, really need to go to sleep now.
But as the song is playing in my ears, I'm listening to the "there's gotta be somebody for me" and I'm looking on the right side of my bed, wondering if somebody, okay, well, that somebody is on the right side of his bed, looking over at the left side of his bed, wondering the same thing. You see it in movies, and I'm a firm believer that that actually happens in real life. I just need to know that this is all worth it in the end, and that things will work out to how they're supposed to. But at the same time, I can't wait. I need to know now so I can plan accordingly. And yes, plan. I need to know what will happen and when. I can't take this whole "take life one day at a time thing" seriously. I mean, come on, what kind of bullshit is that? People die. Everyday, doing normal, everyday things. If I at least know, I can plan things so I can work out what I need to do before that happens and I need to figure out what I can fit in and what I can't, and with who, and doing what.
But the feelings that I'm feeling for this guy. It's not logical. I can't for the life of me explain it to how I need to. I can't explain it to myself, nor to anyone else who asks. It's ridiculous that these feelings have been here for as long as they have been. They shouldn't still be here. I haven't talked to him, not as often as I should to be feeling like this. And I have this feeling that he doesn't feel the same way.
But, then again, I also have a feeling that he does, and that scares me even more. We don't know much about each other at all, and that's so scary to me. He's back in town, or he should be, since school is out for him. I can't believe this. I can't believe that I'm actually writing all of this down for people to see. I just wish I could sit him down and ask him how he feels. Or more importantly, tell him how I do. Tell him that even though this is illogical for our interactions, I really like him and would like to see where things progress. Or, tell him that and then get my heart crushed again. But then again, it seems like that would be better than living like I am, wondering when the next time I'll see him or I'll talk to him or someone else will talk about him.
Quote Bag
"If you just realize what I just realize then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another" Colbie Caillat
"It's like I waited my whole life for this one night" Chris Brown
"Where were you when everything was falling apart?" The Fray
"What a feeling in my soul" Aqualung
"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend" The Fray
"So caught up now in pretending, that what we're seeking is the truth. I'm just looking for a happy ending, all I'm looking for is you." Pat Green
"And not a moment too soon, without a minute to spare, you touched my heart when I didn't have a prayer." Tim McGraw
There will be a lot more to add to this. Of course I can't think of any of the recent songs that I wanted to put on this bag. But I really, really need to go to sleep now.
4.27.2009
it's almost over
My freshman year of college.
Two more weeks and I'm officially done. I can't believe that I've done half the things that I've done. This year has proven to be the best yet, and I can't wait until summer.
Speaking of summer, I have a lot of goals for Summer 2009.
1. Get a second job.
I would really love to get a second job, especially serving so I can continue with my wasteful lifestyle, yet still be able to pay my car payments and pay off my credit card.
2. Go on vacation.
I really, really, really want to go to Florida or Montana. There are pros and cons to each visit, including travel and who I would take with me. I want someone to go with me who's willing to take chances and not play it safe on the trip. I need to be crazy. I need to make memories. Anyway. Pensacola Beach or Missoula, here I come.
3. Move out.
Really, I need this more for my sanity. I can't stand being at home and I just need a change. I need to find someone willing to move out with me/find some random roommates and make new friends.
4. Get a new tattoo.
I want two. Well, three. But I figure I've got all of 2009 to get them all. But definitely I want what Jenny designed for me and the Navy anchor. And then figure out where I want the Georgia state flower.
5. Get my passport.
And go to Germany.
6. Buy Ella lots of crazy stuff.
And basically be the best cousin ever.
7. Visit family in Chicago.
Probably by myself, so I can party with Josh in Chicago. But I'm way overdue a visit to my Grandma and Great Uncle. And I need to see Uncle Jim and Aunt Kate at their new home in Wisconsin. And of course, see my cousins/party with cousins.
8. Do all this while being successful in summer courses at KSU.
Actually, I have no fucking clue how to do this. But I'll figure it out. At least the second job and moving out part. And the tattoo thing. I'm definitely getting more of those.
That's basically it for the most part. I really want to consider transferring schools as well, and hopefully visit UM this summer. Because seriously, if I like it enough, I just might move up there. I mean, why the fuck not? And if not, I'll attend UGA. And hopefully get into their study abroad program and study at Oxford. I really am considering double majoring in history after my mom said something about it. I do have an interest for World and European history as well as American history, I just have a greater love for American because I did so well in Coach Mills' class. I just don't know if I want to go through another two years of extra school just for my Bachelor's degree.
Well. That's it for now.
More later.
Two more weeks and I'm officially done. I can't believe that I've done half the things that I've done. This year has proven to be the best yet, and I can't wait until summer.
Speaking of summer, I have a lot of goals for Summer 2009.
1. Get a second job.
I would really love to get a second job, especially serving so I can continue with my wasteful lifestyle, yet still be able to pay my car payments and pay off my credit card.
2. Go on vacation.
I really, really, really want to go to Florida or Montana. There are pros and cons to each visit, including travel and who I would take with me. I want someone to go with me who's willing to take chances and not play it safe on the trip. I need to be crazy. I need to make memories. Anyway. Pensacola Beach or Missoula, here I come.
3. Move out.
Really, I need this more for my sanity. I can't stand being at home and I just need a change. I need to find someone willing to move out with me/find some random roommates and make new friends.
4. Get a new tattoo.
I want two. Well, three. But I figure I've got all of 2009 to get them all. But definitely I want what Jenny designed for me and the Navy anchor. And then figure out where I want the Georgia state flower.
5. Get my passport.
And go to Germany.
6. Buy Ella lots of crazy stuff.
And basically be the best cousin ever.
7. Visit family in Chicago.
Probably by myself, so I can party with Josh in Chicago. But I'm way overdue a visit to my Grandma and Great Uncle. And I need to see Uncle Jim and Aunt Kate at their new home in Wisconsin. And of course, see my cousins/party with cousins.
8. Do all this while being successful in summer courses at KSU.
Actually, I have no fucking clue how to do this. But I'll figure it out. At least the second job and moving out part. And the tattoo thing. I'm definitely getting more of those.
That's basically it for the most part. I really want to consider transferring schools as well, and hopefully visit UM this summer. Because seriously, if I like it enough, I just might move up there. I mean, why the fuck not? And if not, I'll attend UGA. And hopefully get into their study abroad program and study at Oxford. I really am considering double majoring in history after my mom said something about it. I do have an interest for World and European history as well as American history, I just have a greater love for American because I did so well in Coach Mills' class. I just don't know if I want to go through another two years of extra school just for my Bachelor's degree.
Well. That's it for now.
More later.
4.22.2009
co-worker dates & watermelon rum pt. 2
We all ended up staying up until 5 A.M. and then that's when we took our separate ways--Asha with John, and I with Marc.
Wait, what?
Yes. At first, I honestly believed that me and Asha would just share a bed together, and then they would find somewhere else to sleep. But no, Asha went with John. In his room. On his bed. Without me. Leaving me with Marc. Who has a girlfriend. Who hates everyone. We literally started out on opposite ends of the bed, and about an hour into our sleep (last time I looked at the clock was 5:30 A.M.), he gets up and then lays across the bed. DIAGONALLY. I had about, eh, 6 inches of bedspace to sleep on. It was oh so comfortable.
And then Asha and John came in after a couple of hours and took a picture of us. ON THE BED. TOGETHER. I was like, brilliant. That's awesome, guys. And Asha goes, now I have blackmail for you. And Marc said, oh, God, please don't ever put that picture up on facebook ever. Please.
It was quite possibly some of the most fun I had had in a long time.
Saturday
Then I went home and I ended up going home and sleeping basically and getting ready for the party tonight for Kati.
Cory ended up driving to my house to pick me up for the party, which threw me off because I had kinda but not really forgotten about the party. We drove up north and ended up stopping to get food at Longhorn's, of course, because we both had lots of money to just throw away aimlessly.
We finally got to the party and did the birthday shot (19 shots or your birthday doesn't count!) and then texted Jason as a joke saying, "I'm three feet away from you" because Jack's going away party was that night and it was at Brandon's house, which I thought was still in Cartersville. Jason called me immediately and was freaking out, saying, "where the hell are you?"
"I'm at the party in Cartersville."
"Brandon doesn't even fucking live in Cartersville. He lives near my parents (Or something like that. I don't really pay attention when he talks on the phone)."
"Oh. Well. Whatever."
"Alright. I'm going to leave."
"Okay, I understand that."
"Alright."
*click*
It took so much of me not to get drunk and forget all about him and everything around that stupidity. But I knew I had to work in the morning, and for eight hours too. I played babysitter to the the drunks, which was more fun that I thought it would be. After Kati and Cory calmed down, me and some of the more sober people started to talk at the table about college, then moved on the economy, then on to other various topics. Towards the end of the night, I got really quiet, so I went to bed with Kati and Cory and slept for a couple hours before I had to wake up with Cory. It was ridiculous the lack of sleep I had this weekend that made work so miserable. I had never gone through anything with that little of sleep.
All in all, it was a great weekend.
Something that I've been thinking of lately is how much the song "Realize" applies to a certain situation in my life, and tonight Stephanie had told me that she thought the same thing. I'm not sure if I'm more freaked out that she really wants me to do what she wants me to do or that we thought THE EXACT SAME THING.
Wait, what?
Yes. At first, I honestly believed that me and Asha would just share a bed together, and then they would find somewhere else to sleep. But no, Asha went with John. In his room. On his bed. Without me. Leaving me with Marc. Who has a girlfriend. Who hates everyone. We literally started out on opposite ends of the bed, and about an hour into our sleep (last time I looked at the clock was 5:30 A.M.), he gets up and then lays across the bed. DIAGONALLY. I had about, eh, 6 inches of bedspace to sleep on. It was oh so comfortable.
And then Asha and John came in after a couple of hours and took a picture of us. ON THE BED. TOGETHER. I was like, brilliant. That's awesome, guys. And Asha goes, now I have blackmail for you. And Marc said, oh, God, please don't ever put that picture up on facebook ever. Please.
It was quite possibly some of the most fun I had had in a long time.
Saturday
Then I went home and I ended up going home and sleeping basically and getting ready for the party tonight for Kati.
Cory ended up driving to my house to pick me up for the party, which threw me off because I had kinda but not really forgotten about the party. We drove up north and ended up stopping to get food at Longhorn's, of course, because we both had lots of money to just throw away aimlessly.
We finally got to the party and did the birthday shot (19 shots or your birthday doesn't count!) and then texted Jason as a joke saying, "I'm three feet away from you" because Jack's going away party was that night and it was at Brandon's house, which I thought was still in Cartersville. Jason called me immediately and was freaking out, saying, "where the hell are you?"
"I'm at the party in Cartersville."
"Brandon doesn't even fucking live in Cartersville. He lives near my parents (Or something like that. I don't really pay attention when he talks on the phone)."
"Oh. Well. Whatever."
"Alright. I'm going to leave."
"Okay, I understand that."
"Alright."
*click*
It took so much of me not to get drunk and forget all about him and everything around that stupidity. But I knew I had to work in the morning, and for eight hours too. I played babysitter to the the drunks, which was more fun that I thought it would be. After Kati and Cory calmed down, me and some of the more sober people started to talk at the table about college, then moved on the economy, then on to other various topics. Towards the end of the night, I got really quiet, so I went to bed with Kati and Cory and slept for a couple hours before I had to wake up with Cory. It was ridiculous the lack of sleep I had this weekend that made work so miserable. I had never gone through anything with that little of sleep.
All in all, it was a great weekend.
Something that I've been thinking of lately is how much the song "Realize" applies to a certain situation in my life, and tonight Stephanie had told me that she thought the same thing. I'm not sure if I'm more freaked out that she really wants me to do what she wants me to do or that we thought THE EXACT SAME THING.
4.20.2009
co-worker dates & watermelon rum
This weekend was so amazing. Crazy things are happening everyday.
Friday
Asha and John have a date. They have decided to go to the movies Friday night. After talking to Asha (a lot, I might add), I go to work with her and we discuss the night that is awaiting her. At first the plans are that they will go to the movies and then she would come back to my house to sleep since the movie wouldn't have gotten out until after midnight.
When we're at work, Marc invites us to stay at their house. So, Asha not wanting to stay with four guys in a house by herself, asks me (tells me) that I should stay with her. So after I get off of work, I head home to gather my stuff and then head to John and Marc's house. I get there and John and Asha still weren't there, but me and Marc ended up chilling in Marc's room with his other roommate Danny and his girlfriend.
John and Asha came back, finally, and for the most part, me and Marc were extremely curious as to what happened on their date. We just chilled in Marc's room for the most part and headed to Waffle House at 3 A.M. for some early morning munchies.
and more later.
Friday
Asha and John have a date. They have decided to go to the movies Friday night. After talking to Asha (a lot, I might add), I go to work with her and we discuss the night that is awaiting her. At first the plans are that they will go to the movies and then she would come back to my house to sleep since the movie wouldn't have gotten out until after midnight.
When we're at work, Marc invites us to stay at their house. So, Asha not wanting to stay with four guys in a house by herself, asks me (tells me) that I should stay with her. So after I get off of work, I head home to gather my stuff and then head to John and Marc's house. I get there and John and Asha still weren't there, but me and Marc ended up chilling in Marc's room with his other roommate Danny and his girlfriend.
John and Asha came back, finally, and for the most part, me and Marc were extremely curious as to what happened on their date. We just chilled in Marc's room for the most part and headed to Waffle House at 3 A.M. for some early morning munchies.
and more later.
4.15.2009
4.09.2009
one year ago.
One little year.
One year ago, my life changed forever. I can't believe it's already been a year. It seems like eons has passed from that time. Of course, other times, I think about it and it seems like it's only been weeks. I understand that he's moved on, his family has adapted. But they don't understand why I left. They don't understand how I felt. It's so hard to think about what his family has been through, the changes from the perfect family life. Hell, in March his parents were looking at property to buy and build a house on. Now? They can't even see each other anymore.
I'm moving on. I'm stronger now, and I've cut the poison out of my life. It's all for the better, of course. I gave up the man that I loved because he turned into a mean, bitter person. I saw him recently, and he's still the same person. He says hurtful things and he doesn't quite realize it. I only wish he understood why I had to leave. I had to get out of there. I had to help myself before I got in too deep. Before he proposed. Before I ended up knocked up, just like his sister. Just like what got everyone into a huge mess.
Speaking of knocked up, when I saw him, we did get, well, personal. I did lie to my best friend about it. She's worried that if I keep doing that, then eventually, I'll just go back to him. But I won't. I know I won't. But back to the point. I am late. And I can't afford to be late. We used protection, of course. But I'm so afraid, as always. I told myself I'll give myself a week and then I'll buy a home pregnancy test. I know so many pregnant people, and I do not want to add myself to that list. Of course, if it did happen, my family would be upset, that's for sure. But they would eventually support it. My friends would. Well, some of them. Stephanie would for sure. I don't know about Jason. I think he'd be so disappointed. What I'm most afraid of? That if I am, I'll be stuck with Kyle for the rest of my life. For the rest of my life, there will be a constant reminder, a constant connection with him. And he would want to get married, and I wouldn't and we would fight all the time about it and his parents would be so upset.
Most of all, my dreams would all go away. And I don't want that. My dreams are what's keeping me going.
Enough about that. I can't stop thinking about this guy. It's ridiculous. We connected during high school, during swimming. And we've seen each other a handful of times since graduation, and I can't stop thinking about him. We're so different. That's a fact. But, I just, I don't know. I can't get enough of him. It's crazy.
One year ago, my life changed forever. I can't believe it's already been a year. It seems like eons has passed from that time. Of course, other times, I think about it and it seems like it's only been weeks. I understand that he's moved on, his family has adapted. But they don't understand why I left. They don't understand how I felt. It's so hard to think about what his family has been through, the changes from the perfect family life. Hell, in March his parents were looking at property to buy and build a house on. Now? They can't even see each other anymore.
I'm moving on. I'm stronger now, and I've cut the poison out of my life. It's all for the better, of course. I gave up the man that I loved because he turned into a mean, bitter person. I saw him recently, and he's still the same person. He says hurtful things and he doesn't quite realize it. I only wish he understood why I had to leave. I had to get out of there. I had to help myself before I got in too deep. Before he proposed. Before I ended up knocked up, just like his sister. Just like what got everyone into a huge mess.
Speaking of knocked up, when I saw him, we did get, well, personal. I did lie to my best friend about it. She's worried that if I keep doing that, then eventually, I'll just go back to him. But I won't. I know I won't. But back to the point. I am late. And I can't afford to be late. We used protection, of course. But I'm so afraid, as always. I told myself I'll give myself a week and then I'll buy a home pregnancy test. I know so many pregnant people, and I do not want to add myself to that list. Of course, if it did happen, my family would be upset, that's for sure. But they would eventually support it. My friends would. Well, some of them. Stephanie would for sure. I don't know about Jason. I think he'd be so disappointed. What I'm most afraid of? That if I am, I'll be stuck with Kyle for the rest of my life. For the rest of my life, there will be a constant reminder, a constant connection with him. And he would want to get married, and I wouldn't and we would fight all the time about it and his parents would be so upset.
Most of all, my dreams would all go away. And I don't want that. My dreams are what's keeping me going.
Enough about that. I can't stop thinking about this guy. It's ridiculous. We connected during high school, during swimming. And we've seen each other a handful of times since graduation, and I can't stop thinking about him. We're so different. That's a fact. But, I just, I don't know. I can't get enough of him. It's crazy.
4.05.2009
i want to feel the heat with somebody.
i am hating a lot of things right now.
1. i hate being single when i know all i want is to be in a relationship. i miss feeling that companionship with someone else. i miss feeling that closeness with that one other person who, no matter what, was always there for you.
2. i hate knowing that all my friends agree that i should not be in a relationship because they say i need to work on myself and what i want and what i need. you know what? i need a friggin' guy, that's what.
3. i hate that my best friend wants to be more than best friends, and i could never look at him in that way. i hate that i can't get up the balls to tell him that, and i hate that he thinks he's God's gift to earth. i hate that he feels he's better than my other friends and he's better than any other guy i talk to. i hate that he constantly compares me to rachel, some dumb fucked up chick in his past who he puts on a high pedestal. i hate that he gets relationship advice from him, who doesn't know SHIT about relationships because he's been with the same damn girl for five goddamn years. i hate that he gets to be super private about everything he does because he's a "gentleman" but i need to tell him everything because he psycho-analyzes everything i fucking do and say.
4. i hate that i was left out and i was the only single person at the party last night. i hate that it was super awkward for me and i know that has nothing to do with any of my friends at the party, but it just sucks that i can't do anything now with other couples. we've already moved into that part of our lives. i don't want to be there yet. i feel left out. i feel left in the dust.
5. i hate that i drift from everyone. it makes me feel i don't belong in georgia.
6. i hate that i like this boy so badly, and i feel that he likes me the same way, but he won't do anything because he has to be so damn focused on schoolwork. i don't get it. i hate not knowing. i hate it.
1. i hate being single when i know all i want is to be in a relationship. i miss feeling that companionship with someone else. i miss feeling that closeness with that one other person who, no matter what, was always there for you.
2. i hate knowing that all my friends agree that i should not be in a relationship because they say i need to work on myself and what i want and what i need. you know what? i need a friggin' guy, that's what.
3. i hate that my best friend wants to be more than best friends, and i could never look at him in that way. i hate that i can't get up the balls to tell him that, and i hate that he thinks he's God's gift to earth. i hate that he feels he's better than my other friends and he's better than any other guy i talk to. i hate that he constantly compares me to rachel, some dumb fucked up chick in his past who he puts on a high pedestal. i hate that he gets relationship advice from him, who doesn't know SHIT about relationships because he's been with the same damn girl for five goddamn years. i hate that he gets to be super private about everything he does because he's a "gentleman" but i need to tell him everything because he psycho-analyzes everything i fucking do and say.
4. i hate that i was left out and i was the only single person at the party last night. i hate that it was super awkward for me and i know that has nothing to do with any of my friends at the party, but it just sucks that i can't do anything now with other couples. we've already moved into that part of our lives. i don't want to be there yet. i feel left out. i feel left in the dust.
5. i hate that i drift from everyone. it makes me feel i don't belong in georgia.
6. i hate that i like this boy so badly, and i feel that he likes me the same way, but he won't do anything because he has to be so damn focused on schoolwork. i don't get it. i hate not knowing. i hate it.
3.06.2009
one year.
it's been a year for so many things.
i want to go back so badly. i want things to be normal. i want things to be right. i hate this. i hate pretending.
did you know there was a fascinating kangaroo farm in dawsonville?
i didn't.
i want to go back so badly. i want things to be normal. i want things to be right. i hate this. i hate pretending.
did you know there was a fascinating kangaroo farm in dawsonville?
i didn't.
3.02.2009
snow in march pt. 2
after all of the auctioning went on, i went off to talk to someone - i don't really know who. i just know that i wasn't around my friends when this went down.
weird thing #2
stephanie, kayla, jason and jack were standing around talking about how awesome the jason-reese bidding war was, and up walks up reese to talk to them. jason was standing with his back to him, and said, "i hope that fucker doesn't come up to talk to us." lo and behold, he does.
"so that was crazy, huh?" reese said to no one in particular.
"are you really going to take her out on a date?" stephanie asked.
"who, alyssa? yeah, i won her, didn't i?"
and jason just walked off after that.
"don't i know you from somewhere?" reese asked kayla.
"um. no."
after we were done, the five of us went down to marietta diner to enjoy jason's $200 dollar surplus since he didn't actually buy anyone. dinner was delicious, of course, and kayla and jason got to know each other better.
when we were done, i drove everyone back to campus and i went to the party. when i walked in, noah was playing pool with a couple other guys, including josh. noah acknowledged me, but nothing more. josh looked excited that i was there. me and josh ended up talking the entire night. marc and john finally got back to their house and they looked excited that i was there (maybe because of my dress?).
the best part?
jesse was there.
weird thing #3
i walked by jesse three times before he finally recognized me. he was high as a kite. i could smell it off of him. it was bad.
"hey."
"hey, jesse, how are you?"
"i'm good."
pause
"how've you been?"
"alright. a lot of school and work. that's why i've been so busy."
"you should come down more often. i'm here because my job."
"yeah, the burrito place, right?"
"yeah." he laughs. "great munchie food. i go in high all the time. all i wanna know is when i can eat."
"that's great, jesse."
and then he walks off. just like that. josh saw the thing go down, so he was probably wondering what the hell happened.
anyway, after an hour or so there, i decided to leave since i was exhausted from today, and josh walked me to my car. it was really sweet. he offered a piggy-back ride, and i declined (hopefully respectfully).
that was the auction.
yesterday was march 1. it snowed. non-stop for four hours. i was at work for 12 hours. i made a mere $80. now, the county i live in usually gets snow once a year, which is nice. i live in north metro atlanta. SOUTH atlanta got snow. athens got 7 inches of snow. last time i saw 7 inches of snow, i was in chicago, illinois. uga was canceled. i, on the other hand, still had class.
awesome.
weird thing #2
stephanie, kayla, jason and jack were standing around talking about how awesome the jason-reese bidding war was, and up walks up reese to talk to them. jason was standing with his back to him, and said, "i hope that fucker doesn't come up to talk to us." lo and behold, he does.
"so that was crazy, huh?" reese said to no one in particular.
"are you really going to take her out on a date?" stephanie asked.
"who, alyssa? yeah, i won her, didn't i?"
and jason just walked off after that.
"don't i know you from somewhere?" reese asked kayla.
"um. no."
after we were done, the five of us went down to marietta diner to enjoy jason's $200 dollar surplus since he didn't actually buy anyone. dinner was delicious, of course, and kayla and jason got to know each other better.
when we were done, i drove everyone back to campus and i went to the party. when i walked in, noah was playing pool with a couple other guys, including josh. noah acknowledged me, but nothing more. josh looked excited that i was there. me and josh ended up talking the entire night. marc and john finally got back to their house and they looked excited that i was there (maybe because of my dress?).
the best part?
jesse was there.
weird thing #3
i walked by jesse three times before he finally recognized me. he was high as a kite. i could smell it off of him. it was bad.
"hey."
"hey, jesse, how are you?"
"i'm good."
pause
"how've you been?"
"alright. a lot of school and work. that's why i've been so busy."
"you should come down more often. i'm here because my job."
"yeah, the burrito place, right?"
"yeah." he laughs. "great munchie food. i go in high all the time. all i wanna know is when i can eat."
"that's great, jesse."
and then he walks off. just like that. josh saw the thing go down, so he was probably wondering what the hell happened.
anyway, after an hour or so there, i decided to leave since i was exhausted from today, and josh walked me to my car. it was really sweet. he offered a piggy-back ride, and i declined (hopefully respectfully).
that was the auction.
yesterday was march 1. it snowed. non-stop for four hours. i was at work for 12 hours. i made a mere $80. now, the county i live in usually gets snow once a year, which is nice. i live in north metro atlanta. SOUTH atlanta got snow. athens got 7 inches of snow. last time i saw 7 inches of snow, i was in chicago, illinois. uga was canceled. i, on the other hand, still had class.
awesome.
snow in march. brilliant.
yeah. i know it's been a while since i've written anything. oh well.
last weekend was crazy. i haven't been doing a lot of campus events because i'm usually working during the interesting ones, which is basically anything on a friday night. i was part of a date auction at KSU that was a part of LINK organization. i didn't actually sign up to be a part of the auction. my friends were in charge of getting people to sign up, which basically consisted of her signing people up and then informing them that they are now a part of the date auction.
so when i showed up in the student center, i was nervous. i'm pretty confident about myself, and i like doing things that lets me meet new people; college has done this to me, but i had no idea what was going to happen tonight so i was nervous. i was wearing my new striped dress and my cowboy boots, and i know i looked okay (okay, that's a lie - i knew i looked good). when i walked in, the two girls i knew who were in charge were there, and they were talking to another girl who looked twice as nervous as me. this girl, who was wearing a very cute dress and was walking around barefoot. we both realized we were a part of the auction, and we started with small talk, "how did you get roped into doing this?" "isn't this crazy? i would never do this on my own" and stuff like that. finally, we put our stuff in the back room and when the other girls were talking, traci, the other girl in the auction, goes, "so i'm going to call reese and ask him to come." and chassity and brittany, the girls in charge, agree.
wait. they agreed in a way that they know him.
reese. that name is not common at all.
"reese holman?" i ask. they turn around.
"yeah, you know him?" traci even looks hopeful. like we'll BOTH save her from doing this.
"unfortunately," i manage to say because i'm trying to compress my laughter as much as possible.
we continue to the room and more auctionees are here, so we're all mingling and talking to each other.
weird thing #1
i'm talking to this guy named noah and he's talking about this party going on afterwards. he invites us all, and then says, "it's right behind the social science building, down a little road."
"wait. frey lakes road?"
"um, sure?"
"who's party is this?"
"trey. you know him?"
"yes, yes i do. i know all those guys at that house. i work with two of them."
"sweet. i better see you there."
"alright, i'll stop by later."
anyway. my friends get there and we mingle a bit, and then my friend jason and his friend jack come along, and things got awkward. after the auction finally starts, all of the auctionees are standing out in the side room to walk out in front of the room and the buyers.
i finally walk out and the bidding starts. it gets up to $12 and reese starts to bid. what the fuck? really? i mean, really? then jason turns and sees it and starts bidding. and off starts the bidding wars. i look at jason and mouth 'stop.' he gives me a funny look and then stops. reese wins me.
fucking reese holman fucking wins me. that fucking dickless bastard.
then another boy comes out, then traci. and that's where the fun begins.
reese starts bidding right away, determined to win his friend and save her from the creepers in the audience (which were none. no one showed up). then jason starts. then it gets up to $30. then $4o. then $50. everyone is turned to look at who keeps outbidding reese. the orange-haired kid? oh goodness. jason won't stop. it finally gets up to reese holman, who last bid $80 dollars. everyone watches jason to see if he'll bid more. he doesn't. reese wins with $80. everyone is in shock. and jason is content.
after traci, i bid a couple dollars on everyone, just to do it. but then, i do that and no one out bids me. i win a boy as well. who is this boy, you ask? his name is josh. and he's from etowah (again) and he's a wrestler (again, i know) and he's shorter than me. we're going out on tuesday. so we'll see how that goes.
and this will be continued later.
last weekend was crazy. i haven't been doing a lot of campus events because i'm usually working during the interesting ones, which is basically anything on a friday night. i was part of a date auction at KSU that was a part of LINK organization. i didn't actually sign up to be a part of the auction. my friends were in charge of getting people to sign up, which basically consisted of her signing people up and then informing them that they are now a part of the date auction.
so when i showed up in the student center, i was nervous. i'm pretty confident about myself, and i like doing things that lets me meet new people; college has done this to me, but i had no idea what was going to happen tonight so i was nervous. i was wearing my new striped dress and my cowboy boots, and i know i looked okay (okay, that's a lie - i knew i looked good). when i walked in, the two girls i knew who were in charge were there, and they were talking to another girl who looked twice as nervous as me. this girl, who was wearing a very cute dress and was walking around barefoot. we both realized we were a part of the auction, and we started with small talk, "how did you get roped into doing this?" "isn't this crazy? i would never do this on my own" and stuff like that. finally, we put our stuff in the back room and when the other girls were talking, traci, the other girl in the auction, goes, "so i'm going to call reese and ask him to come." and chassity and brittany, the girls in charge, agree.
wait. they agreed in a way that they know him.
reese. that name is not common at all.
"reese holman?" i ask. they turn around.
"yeah, you know him?" traci even looks hopeful. like we'll BOTH save her from doing this.
"unfortunately," i manage to say because i'm trying to compress my laughter as much as possible.
we continue to the room and more auctionees are here, so we're all mingling and talking to each other.
weird thing #1
i'm talking to this guy named noah and he's talking about this party going on afterwards. he invites us all, and then says, "it's right behind the social science building, down a little road."
"wait. frey lakes road?"
"um, sure?"
"who's party is this?"
"trey. you know him?"
"yes, yes i do. i know all those guys at that house. i work with two of them."
"sweet. i better see you there."
"alright, i'll stop by later."
anyway. my friends get there and we mingle a bit, and then my friend jason and his friend jack come along, and things got awkward. after the auction finally starts, all of the auctionees are standing out in the side room to walk out in front of the room and the buyers.
i finally walk out and the bidding starts. it gets up to $12 and reese starts to bid. what the fuck? really? i mean, really? then jason turns and sees it and starts bidding. and off starts the bidding wars. i look at jason and mouth 'stop.' he gives me a funny look and then stops. reese wins me.
fucking reese holman fucking wins me. that fucking dickless bastard.
then another boy comes out, then traci. and that's where the fun begins.
reese starts bidding right away, determined to win his friend and save her from the creepers in the audience (which were none. no one showed up). then jason starts. then it gets up to $30. then $4o. then $50. everyone is turned to look at who keeps outbidding reese. the orange-haired kid? oh goodness. jason won't stop. it finally gets up to reese holman, who last bid $80 dollars. everyone watches jason to see if he'll bid more. he doesn't. reese wins with $80. everyone is in shock. and jason is content.
after traci, i bid a couple dollars on everyone, just to do it. but then, i do that and no one out bids me. i win a boy as well. who is this boy, you ask? his name is josh. and he's from etowah (again) and he's a wrestler (again, i know) and he's shorter than me. we're going out on tuesday. so we'll see how that goes.
and this will be continued later.
2.07.2009
things are just so different now.
i never, ever imagined me to be that girl.
never.
not that i don't love it. i do. i love the attention and the boys and dates and the talking and the everything. i just, i was never this girl. i was the other girl. the best friend. but never the one with all of the attention. i'm loving it. i'm soaking it all up and i'm keeping all of the memories in and i'm saving them all for when i'm grown-up and this doesn't happen anymore.
but what if it does still happen? what if i gave up my true love? what if i never find anyone else? i'm pretty fucking terrified of that.
my friends brought up a good point the other day: why do guys all of sudden like me now? what am i doing differently now, rather than 6 months ago, a year ago? in high school, boys never even glanced at my direction. now i'm dating more boys than i have time for. it's frustrating, however, because of course i can't find a boy who hasn't just gotten out of a long-term relationship.
REALLY? I MEAN, REALLY?
is it too much to ask for a guy who is actually willing to care for me? to dance with me in a park to the sounds of nature? a guy who is as spontaneous as me, but who loves the idea of sitting in a comfortable chair for hours just reading and kissing? a guy who's willing to drive to nashville with me, simply to get away? a guy who doesn't judge me on my past, and a guy who's willing to love me for all of my dramatic antics and my faults and my passion?
there's a part of me that says, lyssa, you know deep down that you will find this. i do.
but what if i want it now?
never.
not that i don't love it. i do. i love the attention and the boys and dates and the talking and the everything. i just, i was never this girl. i was the other girl. the best friend. but never the one with all of the attention. i'm loving it. i'm soaking it all up and i'm keeping all of the memories in and i'm saving them all for when i'm grown-up and this doesn't happen anymore.
but what if it does still happen? what if i gave up my true love? what if i never find anyone else? i'm pretty fucking terrified of that.
my friends brought up a good point the other day: why do guys all of sudden like me now? what am i doing differently now, rather than 6 months ago, a year ago? in high school, boys never even glanced at my direction. now i'm dating more boys than i have time for. it's frustrating, however, because of course i can't find a boy who hasn't just gotten out of a long-term relationship.
REALLY? I MEAN, REALLY?
is it too much to ask for a guy who is actually willing to care for me? to dance with me in a park to the sounds of nature? a guy who is as spontaneous as me, but who loves the idea of sitting in a comfortable chair for hours just reading and kissing? a guy who's willing to drive to nashville with me, simply to get away? a guy who doesn't judge me on my past, and a guy who's willing to love me for all of my dramatic antics and my faults and my passion?
there's a part of me that says, lyssa, you know deep down that you will find this. i do.
but what if i want it now?
1.09.2009
i'll always be learning.
i'm learning my lesson.
everyone does at some point. i mean, it's nature. you learn what not to say, what not to do, what not to think, feel, react.
i wish i could say that i'll never go through this again. i wish i could say that i'll protect myself next time, i'll won't trust again, but i know that's a lie. the exact same thing will happen again. i'm not going to be the bitter bitch i am right now. i'm not going to be angry and mean and standoff-ish. i'll giggle and blush and shake when i'm around him. i'll think about him all the time, and i'll talk about him all the time to my friends.
i'm going to take this situation, i suppose is the best way to put it, and file it away forever. i'll keep the knowledge forever and i'll remember the lessons this time.
enjoy every moment.
stand up for what you believe in.
voice your opinions and your thoughts; never keep anything to yourself.
never trust an ounce of alcohol.
they always lie; whatever sweet things he whispers in your ear, it's a lie, a falsehood, a fib.
be wary of friends and how they interact with each other.
when it's over & done with, let it be done. it's meant to be.
never compromise your beliefs to spend time with him; never leave your friends for him, either.
& i suppose this is the most important one learned:
it's never true what they say, so always, always think twice before moving forward.
you know, the funniest thing is, he doesn't even remember anything. god, i got a little crazy and i let him call me baby. well, i get so confused and frustrated, forget what i'm trying to say. yes, i remember what you told me last night.
i mean, i guess i had it coming.
is it so hard to keep a guy interested for more than a week?
the funny thing? i still feel beautiful. this is it for now. no more. i'm done talking about it. i'm moving on to much bigger and much better things.
goodbye.
everyone does at some point. i mean, it's nature. you learn what not to say, what not to do, what not to think, feel, react.
i wish i could say that i'll never go through this again. i wish i could say that i'll protect myself next time, i'll won't trust again, but i know that's a lie. the exact same thing will happen again. i'm not going to be the bitter bitch i am right now. i'm not going to be angry and mean and standoff-ish. i'll giggle and blush and shake when i'm around him. i'll think about him all the time, and i'll talk about him all the time to my friends.
i'm going to take this situation, i suppose is the best way to put it, and file it away forever. i'll keep the knowledge forever and i'll remember the lessons this time.
enjoy every moment.
stand up for what you believe in.
voice your opinions and your thoughts; never keep anything to yourself.
never trust an ounce of alcohol.
they always lie; whatever sweet things he whispers in your ear, it's a lie, a falsehood, a fib.
be wary of friends and how they interact with each other.
when it's over & done with, let it be done. it's meant to be.
never compromise your beliefs to spend time with him; never leave your friends for him, either.
& i suppose this is the most important one learned:
it's never true what they say, so always, always think twice before moving forward.
you know, the funniest thing is, he doesn't even remember anything. god, i got a little crazy and i let him call me baby. well, i get so confused and frustrated, forget what i'm trying to say. yes, i remember what you told me last night.
i mean, i guess i had it coming.
is it so hard to keep a guy interested for more than a week?
the funny thing? i still feel beautiful. this is it for now. no more. i'm done talking about it. i'm moving on to much bigger and much better things.
goodbye.
1.06.2009
i can't believe it's happening again.
i can't even put into words what i'm feeling right now.
i'm done trying. i did this before and it just drew out the inevitable.
seriously, if i find out it's because of her, i'm going to lose my goddamn mind. i will go crazy, and you ain't seen me crazy yet.
i'm done trying. i did this before and it just drew out the inevitable.
seriously, if i find out it's because of her, i'm going to lose my goddamn mind. i will go crazy, and you ain't seen me crazy yet.
1.05.2009
as the new year is ringing in
things are different. i've moved on, and in an excellent and wonderful and i-can-stop-thinking-about-him way. but overall, things are crazy. i mean, if anyone had told the me from a year ago that this was all going to happened, i would have laughed for an hour. the year 2008 was crazy for me. absolutely bat-shit insane. i went through some of the hardest times, and i made some pretty big mistakes. i grew as a person, and i gained valuable friendships that i wouldn't give up for the world. but lately, this past month has given me experiences that i never thought would ever happen. from things revolving john's party to everything about brandon to new years eve to julie's party to everything, things are so different for me. i'm doing more, seeing more, experiencing more, and i love it. this was the college experience i wanted. i have wanted and wanted for so long, and i've had so many things holding me back, and now i'm finally getting what i deserve, and i'm standing facing the new unknown, grinning and my back to the past.
i'm so excited for the new year, and i'm really excited for school to start up again. i'm looking forward to everything, and i'm going to make sure that this year is better than last year. i know i can't stand to go through what happened last year. from january, to finding out the lies, to april and the heartache, to the summer, to school, november, and finally these last months. i can't believe that this year is already gone, and i'm so excited to start fresh. i'm going to be a better person and i'm going to make all who love me proud of me.
i wish i could let him know what he means to me. i wish i could tell him that i'm scared. i'm scared to death of getting hurt again. not just physically, but emotionally. i'm scared i'm not going to be good enough for him. i really hope that i am. and one more thing? you're all i want.
i'm so excited for the new year, and i'm really excited for school to start up again. i'm looking forward to everything, and i'm going to make sure that this year is better than last year. i know i can't stand to go through what happened last year. from january, to finding out the lies, to april and the heartache, to the summer, to school, november, and finally these last months. i can't believe that this year is already gone, and i'm so excited to start fresh. i'm going to be a better person and i'm going to make all who love me proud of me.
i wish i could let him know what he means to me. i wish i could tell him that i'm scared. i'm scared to death of getting hurt again. not just physically, but emotionally. i'm scared i'm not going to be good enough for him. i really hope that i am. and one more thing? you're all i want.
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