things are just so different now.

i never, ever imagined me to be that girl.
never.

not that i don't love it. i do. i love the attention and the boys and dates and the talking and the everything. i just, i was never this girl. i was the other girl. the best friend. but never the one with all of the attention. i'm loving it. i'm soaking it all up and i'm keeping all of the memories in and i'm saving them all for when i'm grown-up and this doesn't happen anymore.

but what if it does still happen? what if i gave up my true love? what if i never find anyone else? i'm pretty fucking terrified of that.

my friends brought up a good point the other day: why do guys all of sudden like me now? what am i doing differently now, rather than 6 months ago, a year ago? in high school, boys never even glanced at my direction. now i'm dating more boys than i have time for. it's frustrating, however, because of course i can't find a boy who hasn't just gotten out of a long-term relationship.

REALLY? I MEAN, REALLY?

is it too much to ask for a guy who is actually willing to care for me? to dance with me in a park to the sounds of nature? a guy who is as spontaneous as me, but who loves the idea of sitting in a comfortable chair for hours just reading and kissing? a guy who's willing to drive to nashville with me, simply to get away? a guy who doesn't judge me on my past, and a guy who's willing to love me for all of my dramatic antics and my faults and my passion?

there's a part of me that says, lyssa, you know deep down that you will find this. i do.
but what if i want it now?