it's late

and I can't sleep, of course.

I'm talking on the phone with Chris right now (hey Chris!) and I can't really decide how I want to start this. I mean, I don't really know what I'm going to write. So here goes.

Chris says I'm amazing. He says I'm awesome and everything, but I don't see it. I mean, okay, maybe I'm awesome now, but I mean, I just feel like I'm waiting for the day that he wakes up and realizes that he can do better than me. I don't know. I just, sometimes feel in over my head. Not anything too seriously. I mean, it's hard knowing that I don't know his friends, or that there was no common ground when we started dating. It wasn't hard, I guess I should say, but it was scary. Scarier than anything I have been through in the past year, and I've been through a lot. But knowing that there is no one else there for me who knows me, who knows my past is hard. They know nothing of my high school career. They know nothing about me in my middle school years.

But at the same time, isn't this what I wanted all throughout high school? A chance to start over? A chance to start new with someone who didn't know all of my flaws? I wanted to run away so badly to Montana, to start all over with all new people. I essentially did that with Chris. I just didn't have to move a thousand miles away. I love that Chris and his friends think I'm cool, but I'm scared that they'll figure out that I'm not cool. I was a loser growing up.

I'm so thankful for Chris. He has no idea how close I was to giving up completely on boys, on relationships, on all of that.

I'm so glad he came into Steak n' Shake that day and I am so damn glad he asked for my number.