I'm tired, and the only thing that helps me when I'm tired and stressed are lists. So here we go.
Things I know for a fact
1. It's exactly 12:00 as I type this sentence and I need to finish my communications workbook and study for my government test before class.
2. I'm very tired, and I'm guessing nothing will get done.
3. Really, I just want to watch Sex and the City and lay in bed until I have to get up tomorrow morning.
4. I'm 99% moving in with Rebecca and her friend Andrew for next year, which excites the hell outta me.
5. I'm excited for May 11th.
6. I'm also excited for what else comes along with May 11th, however, I'm unsure about May 11th. I don't know what to expect out of it.
7. I think it's odd that my friends are expecting something to come out of this.
8. I really, really, really like this boy who's name starts with a "P" and ends with an "reston" and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know anything about it, which is just brilliant.
Things I am not sure of
1. This whole armboard business. I need to know if it's for sure or not.
2. Passing human communications, basically.
3. What all is happening on or around May 11th. I am excited for it, yet I'm scared/nervous.
4. This whole business with Preston. And yes, it's a fucking business.
So. This didn't help much. Actually, at all. I just want to sit in my pajamas and eat ice cream. Which, I am finally cutting cold turkey out of my life. I have gained five pounds since starting college, and I am going to put an end to that. I'm going to start working out like I need to be and I'm going to start running or swimming or doing something constructive with my extra time. I need to do something thats going to be good for me, really. I also really need to put in that job application at the Kaysons so I can hopefully take on a second job. I need to make some extra cash, especially if I do move in with Rebecca and Andrew.
Also, I need to find out what the fuck is wrong with my eyes.
4.28.2009
ever wonder?
As I lay (or lie, I never remember) in my bed, trying to get some sleep before my 8 A.M. class, my iPod magically plays Nickelback's "Gotta Be Somebody." Okay. Not magically. But I didn't mean for it to play. It just did. I just went to the Nickelback, Saving Abel and Seether concert last Thursday, which was amazing. A lot of it had to do with the fact that it was outdoors and it rained and stormed the whole time, and at one time, after Nickelback had started to play, it downpoured, which made the concert about a thousand times better.
But as the song is playing in my ears, I'm listening to the "there's gotta be somebody for me" and I'm looking on the right side of my bed, wondering if somebody, okay, well, that somebody is on the right side of his bed, looking over at the left side of his bed, wondering the same thing. You see it in movies, and I'm a firm believer that that actually happens in real life. I just need to know that this is all worth it in the end, and that things will work out to how they're supposed to. But at the same time, I can't wait. I need to know now so I can plan accordingly. And yes, plan. I need to know what will happen and when. I can't take this whole "take life one day at a time thing" seriously. I mean, come on, what kind of bullshit is that? People die. Everyday, doing normal, everyday things. If I at least know, I can plan things so I can work out what I need to do before that happens and I need to figure out what I can fit in and what I can't, and with who, and doing what.
But the feelings that I'm feeling for this guy. It's not logical. I can't for the life of me explain it to how I need to. I can't explain it to myself, nor to anyone else who asks. It's ridiculous that these feelings have been here for as long as they have been. They shouldn't still be here. I haven't talked to him, not as often as I should to be feeling like this. And I have this feeling that he doesn't feel the same way.
But, then again, I also have a feeling that he does, and that scares me even more. We don't know much about each other at all, and that's so scary to me. He's back in town, or he should be, since school is out for him. I can't believe this. I can't believe that I'm actually writing all of this down for people to see. I just wish I could sit him down and ask him how he feels. Or more importantly, tell him how I do. Tell him that even though this is illogical for our interactions, I really like him and would like to see where things progress. Or, tell him that and then get my heart crushed again. But then again, it seems like that would be better than living like I am, wondering when the next time I'll see him or I'll talk to him or someone else will talk about him.
Quote Bag
"If you just realize what I just realize then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another" Colbie Caillat
"It's like I waited my whole life for this one night" Chris Brown
"Where were you when everything was falling apart?" The Fray
"What a feeling in my soul" Aqualung
"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend" The Fray
"So caught up now in pretending, that what we're seeking is the truth. I'm just looking for a happy ending, all I'm looking for is you." Pat Green
"And not a moment too soon, without a minute to spare, you touched my heart when I didn't have a prayer." Tim McGraw
There will be a lot more to add to this. Of course I can't think of any of the recent songs that I wanted to put on this bag. But I really, really need to go to sleep now.
But as the song is playing in my ears, I'm listening to the "there's gotta be somebody for me" and I'm looking on the right side of my bed, wondering if somebody, okay, well, that somebody is on the right side of his bed, looking over at the left side of his bed, wondering the same thing. You see it in movies, and I'm a firm believer that that actually happens in real life. I just need to know that this is all worth it in the end, and that things will work out to how they're supposed to. But at the same time, I can't wait. I need to know now so I can plan accordingly. And yes, plan. I need to know what will happen and when. I can't take this whole "take life one day at a time thing" seriously. I mean, come on, what kind of bullshit is that? People die. Everyday, doing normal, everyday things. If I at least know, I can plan things so I can work out what I need to do before that happens and I need to figure out what I can fit in and what I can't, and with who, and doing what.
But the feelings that I'm feeling for this guy. It's not logical. I can't for the life of me explain it to how I need to. I can't explain it to myself, nor to anyone else who asks. It's ridiculous that these feelings have been here for as long as they have been. They shouldn't still be here. I haven't talked to him, not as often as I should to be feeling like this. And I have this feeling that he doesn't feel the same way.
But, then again, I also have a feeling that he does, and that scares me even more. We don't know much about each other at all, and that's so scary to me. He's back in town, or he should be, since school is out for him. I can't believe this. I can't believe that I'm actually writing all of this down for people to see. I just wish I could sit him down and ask him how he feels. Or more importantly, tell him how I do. Tell him that even though this is illogical for our interactions, I really like him and would like to see where things progress. Or, tell him that and then get my heart crushed again. But then again, it seems like that would be better than living like I am, wondering when the next time I'll see him or I'll talk to him or someone else will talk about him.
Quote Bag
"If you just realize what I just realize then we'd be perfect for each other and we'll never find another" Colbie Caillat
"It's like I waited my whole life for this one night" Chris Brown
"Where were you when everything was falling apart?" The Fray
"What a feeling in my soul" Aqualung
"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend" The Fray
"So caught up now in pretending, that what we're seeking is the truth. I'm just looking for a happy ending, all I'm looking for is you." Pat Green
"And not a moment too soon, without a minute to spare, you touched my heart when I didn't have a prayer." Tim McGraw
There will be a lot more to add to this. Of course I can't think of any of the recent songs that I wanted to put on this bag. But I really, really need to go to sleep now.
4.27.2009
it's almost over
My freshman year of college.
Two more weeks and I'm officially done. I can't believe that I've done half the things that I've done. This year has proven to be the best yet, and I can't wait until summer.
Speaking of summer, I have a lot of goals for Summer 2009.
1. Get a second job.
I would really love to get a second job, especially serving so I can continue with my wasteful lifestyle, yet still be able to pay my car payments and pay off my credit card.
2. Go on vacation.
I really, really, really want to go to Florida or Montana. There are pros and cons to each visit, including travel and who I would take with me. I want someone to go with me who's willing to take chances and not play it safe on the trip. I need to be crazy. I need to make memories. Anyway. Pensacola Beach or Missoula, here I come.
3. Move out.
Really, I need this more for my sanity. I can't stand being at home and I just need a change. I need to find someone willing to move out with me/find some random roommates and make new friends.
4. Get a new tattoo.
I want two. Well, three. But I figure I've got all of 2009 to get them all. But definitely I want what Jenny designed for me and the Navy anchor. And then figure out where I want the Georgia state flower.
5. Get my passport.
And go to Germany.
6. Buy Ella lots of crazy stuff.
And basically be the best cousin ever.
7. Visit family in Chicago.
Probably by myself, so I can party with Josh in Chicago. But I'm way overdue a visit to my Grandma and Great Uncle. And I need to see Uncle Jim and Aunt Kate at their new home in Wisconsin. And of course, see my cousins/party with cousins.
8. Do all this while being successful in summer courses at KSU.
Actually, I have no fucking clue how to do this. But I'll figure it out. At least the second job and moving out part. And the tattoo thing. I'm definitely getting more of those.
That's basically it for the most part. I really want to consider transferring schools as well, and hopefully visit UM this summer. Because seriously, if I like it enough, I just might move up there. I mean, why the fuck not? And if not, I'll attend UGA. And hopefully get into their study abroad program and study at Oxford. I really am considering double majoring in history after my mom said something about it. I do have an interest for World and European history as well as American history, I just have a greater love for American because I did so well in Coach Mills' class. I just don't know if I want to go through another two years of extra school just for my Bachelor's degree.
Well. That's it for now.
More later.
Two more weeks and I'm officially done. I can't believe that I've done half the things that I've done. This year has proven to be the best yet, and I can't wait until summer.
Speaking of summer, I have a lot of goals for Summer 2009.
1. Get a second job.
I would really love to get a second job, especially serving so I can continue with my wasteful lifestyle, yet still be able to pay my car payments and pay off my credit card.
2. Go on vacation.
I really, really, really want to go to Florida or Montana. There are pros and cons to each visit, including travel and who I would take with me. I want someone to go with me who's willing to take chances and not play it safe on the trip. I need to be crazy. I need to make memories. Anyway. Pensacola Beach or Missoula, here I come.
3. Move out.
Really, I need this more for my sanity. I can't stand being at home and I just need a change. I need to find someone willing to move out with me/find some random roommates and make new friends.
4. Get a new tattoo.
I want two. Well, three. But I figure I've got all of 2009 to get them all. But definitely I want what Jenny designed for me and the Navy anchor. And then figure out where I want the Georgia state flower.
5. Get my passport.
And go to Germany.
6. Buy Ella lots of crazy stuff.
And basically be the best cousin ever.
7. Visit family in Chicago.
Probably by myself, so I can party with Josh in Chicago. But I'm way overdue a visit to my Grandma and Great Uncle. And I need to see Uncle Jim and Aunt Kate at their new home in Wisconsin. And of course, see my cousins/party with cousins.
8. Do all this while being successful in summer courses at KSU.
Actually, I have no fucking clue how to do this. But I'll figure it out. At least the second job and moving out part. And the tattoo thing. I'm definitely getting more of those.
That's basically it for the most part. I really want to consider transferring schools as well, and hopefully visit UM this summer. Because seriously, if I like it enough, I just might move up there. I mean, why the fuck not? And if not, I'll attend UGA. And hopefully get into their study abroad program and study at Oxford. I really am considering double majoring in history after my mom said something about it. I do have an interest for World and European history as well as American history, I just have a greater love for American because I did so well in Coach Mills' class. I just don't know if I want to go through another two years of extra school just for my Bachelor's degree.
Well. That's it for now.
More later.
4.22.2009
co-worker dates & watermelon rum pt. 2
We all ended up staying up until 5 A.M. and then that's when we took our separate ways--Asha with John, and I with Marc.
Wait, what?
Yes. At first, I honestly believed that me and Asha would just share a bed together, and then they would find somewhere else to sleep. But no, Asha went with John. In his room. On his bed. Without me. Leaving me with Marc. Who has a girlfriend. Who hates everyone. We literally started out on opposite ends of the bed, and about an hour into our sleep (last time I looked at the clock was 5:30 A.M.), he gets up and then lays across the bed. DIAGONALLY. I had about, eh, 6 inches of bedspace to sleep on. It was oh so comfortable.
And then Asha and John came in after a couple of hours and took a picture of us. ON THE BED. TOGETHER. I was like, brilliant. That's awesome, guys. And Asha goes, now I have blackmail for you. And Marc said, oh, God, please don't ever put that picture up on facebook ever. Please.
It was quite possibly some of the most fun I had had in a long time.
Saturday
Then I went home and I ended up going home and sleeping basically and getting ready for the party tonight for Kati.
Cory ended up driving to my house to pick me up for the party, which threw me off because I had kinda but not really forgotten about the party. We drove up north and ended up stopping to get food at Longhorn's, of course, because we both had lots of money to just throw away aimlessly.
We finally got to the party and did the birthday shot (19 shots or your birthday doesn't count!) and then texted Jason as a joke saying, "I'm three feet away from you" because Jack's going away party was that night and it was at Brandon's house, which I thought was still in Cartersville. Jason called me immediately and was freaking out, saying, "where the hell are you?"
"I'm at the party in Cartersville."
"Brandon doesn't even fucking live in Cartersville. He lives near my parents (Or something like that. I don't really pay attention when he talks on the phone)."
"Oh. Well. Whatever."
"Alright. I'm going to leave."
"Okay, I understand that."
"Alright."
*click*
It took so much of me not to get drunk and forget all about him and everything around that stupidity. But I knew I had to work in the morning, and for eight hours too. I played babysitter to the the drunks, which was more fun that I thought it would be. After Kati and Cory calmed down, me and some of the more sober people started to talk at the table about college, then moved on the economy, then on to other various topics. Towards the end of the night, I got really quiet, so I went to bed with Kati and Cory and slept for a couple hours before I had to wake up with Cory. It was ridiculous the lack of sleep I had this weekend that made work so miserable. I had never gone through anything with that little of sleep.
All in all, it was a great weekend.
Something that I've been thinking of lately is how much the song "Realize" applies to a certain situation in my life, and tonight Stephanie had told me that she thought the same thing. I'm not sure if I'm more freaked out that she really wants me to do what she wants me to do or that we thought THE EXACT SAME THING.
Wait, what?
Yes. At first, I honestly believed that me and Asha would just share a bed together, and then they would find somewhere else to sleep. But no, Asha went with John. In his room. On his bed. Without me. Leaving me with Marc. Who has a girlfriend. Who hates everyone. We literally started out on opposite ends of the bed, and about an hour into our sleep (last time I looked at the clock was 5:30 A.M.), he gets up and then lays across the bed. DIAGONALLY. I had about, eh, 6 inches of bedspace to sleep on. It was oh so comfortable.
And then Asha and John came in after a couple of hours and took a picture of us. ON THE BED. TOGETHER. I was like, brilliant. That's awesome, guys. And Asha goes, now I have blackmail for you. And Marc said, oh, God, please don't ever put that picture up on facebook ever. Please.
It was quite possibly some of the most fun I had had in a long time.
Saturday
Then I went home and I ended up going home and sleeping basically and getting ready for the party tonight for Kati.
Cory ended up driving to my house to pick me up for the party, which threw me off because I had kinda but not really forgotten about the party. We drove up north and ended up stopping to get food at Longhorn's, of course, because we both had lots of money to just throw away aimlessly.
We finally got to the party and did the birthday shot (19 shots or your birthday doesn't count!) and then texted Jason as a joke saying, "I'm three feet away from you" because Jack's going away party was that night and it was at Brandon's house, which I thought was still in Cartersville. Jason called me immediately and was freaking out, saying, "where the hell are you?"
"I'm at the party in Cartersville."
"Brandon doesn't even fucking live in Cartersville. He lives near my parents (Or something like that. I don't really pay attention when he talks on the phone)."
"Oh. Well. Whatever."
"Alright. I'm going to leave."
"Okay, I understand that."
"Alright."
*click*
It took so much of me not to get drunk and forget all about him and everything around that stupidity. But I knew I had to work in the morning, and for eight hours too. I played babysitter to the the drunks, which was more fun that I thought it would be. After Kati and Cory calmed down, me and some of the more sober people started to talk at the table about college, then moved on the economy, then on to other various topics. Towards the end of the night, I got really quiet, so I went to bed with Kati and Cory and slept for a couple hours before I had to wake up with Cory. It was ridiculous the lack of sleep I had this weekend that made work so miserable. I had never gone through anything with that little of sleep.
All in all, it was a great weekend.
Something that I've been thinking of lately is how much the song "Realize" applies to a certain situation in my life, and tonight Stephanie had told me that she thought the same thing. I'm not sure if I'm more freaked out that she really wants me to do what she wants me to do or that we thought THE EXACT SAME THING.
4.20.2009
co-worker dates & watermelon rum
This weekend was so amazing. Crazy things are happening everyday.
Friday
Asha and John have a date. They have decided to go to the movies Friday night. After talking to Asha (a lot, I might add), I go to work with her and we discuss the night that is awaiting her. At first the plans are that they will go to the movies and then she would come back to my house to sleep since the movie wouldn't have gotten out until after midnight.
When we're at work, Marc invites us to stay at their house. So, Asha not wanting to stay with four guys in a house by herself, asks me (tells me) that I should stay with her. So after I get off of work, I head home to gather my stuff and then head to John and Marc's house. I get there and John and Asha still weren't there, but me and Marc ended up chilling in Marc's room with his other roommate Danny and his girlfriend.
John and Asha came back, finally, and for the most part, me and Marc were extremely curious as to what happened on their date. We just chilled in Marc's room for the most part and headed to Waffle House at 3 A.M. for some early morning munchies.
and more later.
Friday
Asha and John have a date. They have decided to go to the movies Friday night. After talking to Asha (a lot, I might add), I go to work with her and we discuss the night that is awaiting her. At first the plans are that they will go to the movies and then she would come back to my house to sleep since the movie wouldn't have gotten out until after midnight.
When we're at work, Marc invites us to stay at their house. So, Asha not wanting to stay with four guys in a house by herself, asks me (tells me) that I should stay with her. So after I get off of work, I head home to gather my stuff and then head to John and Marc's house. I get there and John and Asha still weren't there, but me and Marc ended up chilling in Marc's room with his other roommate Danny and his girlfriend.
John and Asha came back, finally, and for the most part, me and Marc were extremely curious as to what happened on their date. We just chilled in Marc's room for the most part and headed to Waffle House at 3 A.M. for some early morning munchies.
and more later.
4.15.2009
4.09.2009
one year ago.
One little year.
One year ago, my life changed forever. I can't believe it's already been a year. It seems like eons has passed from that time. Of course, other times, I think about it and it seems like it's only been weeks. I understand that he's moved on, his family has adapted. But they don't understand why I left. They don't understand how I felt. It's so hard to think about what his family has been through, the changes from the perfect family life. Hell, in March his parents were looking at property to buy and build a house on. Now? They can't even see each other anymore.
I'm moving on. I'm stronger now, and I've cut the poison out of my life. It's all for the better, of course. I gave up the man that I loved because he turned into a mean, bitter person. I saw him recently, and he's still the same person. He says hurtful things and he doesn't quite realize it. I only wish he understood why I had to leave. I had to get out of there. I had to help myself before I got in too deep. Before he proposed. Before I ended up knocked up, just like his sister. Just like what got everyone into a huge mess.
Speaking of knocked up, when I saw him, we did get, well, personal. I did lie to my best friend about it. She's worried that if I keep doing that, then eventually, I'll just go back to him. But I won't. I know I won't. But back to the point. I am late. And I can't afford to be late. We used protection, of course. But I'm so afraid, as always. I told myself I'll give myself a week and then I'll buy a home pregnancy test. I know so many pregnant people, and I do not want to add myself to that list. Of course, if it did happen, my family would be upset, that's for sure. But they would eventually support it. My friends would. Well, some of them. Stephanie would for sure. I don't know about Jason. I think he'd be so disappointed. What I'm most afraid of? That if I am, I'll be stuck with Kyle for the rest of my life. For the rest of my life, there will be a constant reminder, a constant connection with him. And he would want to get married, and I wouldn't and we would fight all the time about it and his parents would be so upset.
Most of all, my dreams would all go away. And I don't want that. My dreams are what's keeping me going.
Enough about that. I can't stop thinking about this guy. It's ridiculous. We connected during high school, during swimming. And we've seen each other a handful of times since graduation, and I can't stop thinking about him. We're so different. That's a fact. But, I just, I don't know. I can't get enough of him. It's crazy.
One year ago, my life changed forever. I can't believe it's already been a year. It seems like eons has passed from that time. Of course, other times, I think about it and it seems like it's only been weeks. I understand that he's moved on, his family has adapted. But they don't understand why I left. They don't understand how I felt. It's so hard to think about what his family has been through, the changes from the perfect family life. Hell, in March his parents were looking at property to buy and build a house on. Now? They can't even see each other anymore.
I'm moving on. I'm stronger now, and I've cut the poison out of my life. It's all for the better, of course. I gave up the man that I loved because he turned into a mean, bitter person. I saw him recently, and he's still the same person. He says hurtful things and he doesn't quite realize it. I only wish he understood why I had to leave. I had to get out of there. I had to help myself before I got in too deep. Before he proposed. Before I ended up knocked up, just like his sister. Just like what got everyone into a huge mess.
Speaking of knocked up, when I saw him, we did get, well, personal. I did lie to my best friend about it. She's worried that if I keep doing that, then eventually, I'll just go back to him. But I won't. I know I won't. But back to the point. I am late. And I can't afford to be late. We used protection, of course. But I'm so afraid, as always. I told myself I'll give myself a week and then I'll buy a home pregnancy test. I know so many pregnant people, and I do not want to add myself to that list. Of course, if it did happen, my family would be upset, that's for sure. But they would eventually support it. My friends would. Well, some of them. Stephanie would for sure. I don't know about Jason. I think he'd be so disappointed. What I'm most afraid of? That if I am, I'll be stuck with Kyle for the rest of my life. For the rest of my life, there will be a constant reminder, a constant connection with him. And he would want to get married, and I wouldn't and we would fight all the time about it and his parents would be so upset.
Most of all, my dreams would all go away. And I don't want that. My dreams are what's keeping me going.
Enough about that. I can't stop thinking about this guy. It's ridiculous. We connected during high school, during swimming. And we've seen each other a handful of times since graduation, and I can't stop thinking about him. We're so different. That's a fact. But, I just, I don't know. I can't get enough of him. It's crazy.
4.05.2009
i want to feel the heat with somebody.
i am hating a lot of things right now.
1. i hate being single when i know all i want is to be in a relationship. i miss feeling that companionship with someone else. i miss feeling that closeness with that one other person who, no matter what, was always there for you.
2. i hate knowing that all my friends agree that i should not be in a relationship because they say i need to work on myself and what i want and what i need. you know what? i need a friggin' guy, that's what.
3. i hate that my best friend wants to be more than best friends, and i could never look at him in that way. i hate that i can't get up the balls to tell him that, and i hate that he thinks he's God's gift to earth. i hate that he feels he's better than my other friends and he's better than any other guy i talk to. i hate that he constantly compares me to rachel, some dumb fucked up chick in his past who he puts on a high pedestal. i hate that he gets relationship advice from him, who doesn't know SHIT about relationships because he's been with the same damn girl for five goddamn years. i hate that he gets to be super private about everything he does because he's a "gentleman" but i need to tell him everything because he psycho-analyzes everything i fucking do and say.
4. i hate that i was left out and i was the only single person at the party last night. i hate that it was super awkward for me and i know that has nothing to do with any of my friends at the party, but it just sucks that i can't do anything now with other couples. we've already moved into that part of our lives. i don't want to be there yet. i feel left out. i feel left in the dust.
5. i hate that i drift from everyone. it makes me feel i don't belong in georgia.
6. i hate that i like this boy so badly, and i feel that he likes me the same way, but he won't do anything because he has to be so damn focused on schoolwork. i don't get it. i hate not knowing. i hate it.
1. i hate being single when i know all i want is to be in a relationship. i miss feeling that companionship with someone else. i miss feeling that closeness with that one other person who, no matter what, was always there for you.
2. i hate knowing that all my friends agree that i should not be in a relationship because they say i need to work on myself and what i want and what i need. you know what? i need a friggin' guy, that's what.
3. i hate that my best friend wants to be more than best friends, and i could never look at him in that way. i hate that i can't get up the balls to tell him that, and i hate that he thinks he's God's gift to earth. i hate that he feels he's better than my other friends and he's better than any other guy i talk to. i hate that he constantly compares me to rachel, some dumb fucked up chick in his past who he puts on a high pedestal. i hate that he gets relationship advice from him, who doesn't know SHIT about relationships because he's been with the same damn girl for five goddamn years. i hate that he gets to be super private about everything he does because he's a "gentleman" but i need to tell him everything because he psycho-analyzes everything i fucking do and say.
4. i hate that i was left out and i was the only single person at the party last night. i hate that it was super awkward for me and i know that has nothing to do with any of my friends at the party, but it just sucks that i can't do anything now with other couples. we've already moved into that part of our lives. i don't want to be there yet. i feel left out. i feel left in the dust.
5. i hate that i drift from everyone. it makes me feel i don't belong in georgia.
6. i hate that i like this boy so badly, and i feel that he likes me the same way, but he won't do anything because he has to be so damn focused on schoolwork. i don't get it. i hate not knowing. i hate it.
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