is he, or is he not?

That seems to be the big question.

Last night. Wow. We were in his basement doing, well, basement things, and he really took over, I guess we should say, and just, wow.



It is killing me. I just need to know. But I will say, he's so cute. Really.
He's so amazing. I don't understand what I did to deserve him at all.


I'm actually about to go out and apartment hunt. ME. Apartment hunt. God, I'm so excited. I really hope I get my own apartment and start to live like an actual adult.

passion.

Passion.

Something I have too much of. And I know it. I know it all too well. I let myself open way too easily.

But, oh lord, I can't help it. Not when I'm with Chris. Everything is so different this time. I try to tell that to Asha and Stephanie. And I think they understand somewhat, but they don't know what I'm feeling totally. I can't even begin to explain it. Not out loud.

I know I'm feeling too much. I'm feeling too much for him, and oh, how I want things to work out perfect this time. And I know it will on my end. And he can see how scared I am. I know he's scared. But, I don't know.

And I know he wants to read this (I don't know why people are so curious about blogs. And if you're reading this, Chris, well, then, I'm sorry for everything you're about to read), but I just can't let him in 100%. I have to give myself some room to land on if this all falls apart. I'm waiting for the day when I get the couple of days of no calls. I'm waiting for the uncomfortable phone call, the reasons he'll give. And I know he keeps telling me it'll be okay, but everyone else said that to me, and look what happened.

I'm so passionate, and it always ends up hurting me in the end. But heaven help me if I'm not going to enjoy and cherish and, well, like him for the time I do get to spend with him.





I can get drunk off of his laughter. I could spend forever looking in his beautiful eyes. I nearly fainted just by looking at him. He is absolutely perfect for me.

i can't believe i'm still awake

I can't believe how amazing my life has been going so far.

I honestly and truly don't know the last time I was this happy.

I don't understand why he's with me. He's so hot and his body is slamming. I can't even begin to describe it.



There's only one thing that describes everything that's been happening lately.



:)

lately.

Lately things have been amazing. I can only hope that they continue that they will.

Even if this doesn't work out, even if I get hurt again, it'll all be worth it. The memories, the laughter, it's all worth it.

social networking sites

have really gone to shit.

Facebook now offers quizzes. On anything. Anything you would like to quiz yourself over. Your sex life. Your kissing style. Does he really love you (girls only omgz!!1!).

Really. It's really ridiculous. I just don't understand why Facebook had to do that. I loved facebook before they added all of those ridiculous features on it. It's so ridiculous.

Ridiculous.

Okay. I'm banning myself from usage of that word now. I promise.

I saw Star Trek at midnight with my friend. It wasn't as bad as a I thought it would be. My friend hated it, but she hates all action, so I really can't blame her for hating it. But I didn't think it was that bad. It was better than Star Wars, I'll give you that much.

Dude. It's 4:30 in the morning and my dad's alarm just went off. And it's rap music. WOW.

But it was good. As in, I'll buy it on DVD for myself. But that's about it.

i'm a bad, bad girl.

I cheated.

I went to Sex and the City's website and looked at the episode guide. And I read. Oh, lord, I read. And now I know everything.

Shit.



And what I want to know is why people like her go to friggin' toga parties and I haven't been to one yet.

What. The. Fuck. It's like the world is freaking backwards or something. I'm so done.

finals.

Finals can kiss my fucking ass.

Just. One. More. Day.

And then I'm done. For a month, at least. But summer classes CAN'T be as difficult as freaking Human Communications. I should have just dropped the damn class when I had the chance. But noooo. Fucking Adam fucking Wahl had to be all, well, I like you, and then POKE AND FUCKING PROD about my viriginity. Seriously, what freak does that? You either have it or you don't, end of story. There's no reason to go into any specifics. This is college, not middle school. I'm done with the whole, well, if you're not a virgin, you're not pure bullshit that I've been force-fed my whole life down here. I know more people who have sex than who don't, so why does everyone give a shit? Why is it such a big deal that you've lost your viriginity? Seriously.

Anyway. Sex and the City is amazing. I can't even believe that Carrie told Aidan! I can't believe he broke up with her on Charlotte's wedding day! God, my heart broke when I watched that episode. And I decided: Aidan is the man I'm going to marry one day.



Back to more "studying."

oh no.

I did it. I did the naughty. I did the worst thing I could possibly do.

I told him I'd give him another chance.

I went over last night and we just talked, mostly. I told him I can't be hurt like that again. He told me he can't stand to be strung along. I told him I was hurt more by that text message than I should have been. He said he can't take it back.

I can't believe I did that. There is something majorly wrong with me. Seriously. What would my friends and family think?

GOD. And nothing happened. Nothing major, at least. But it was nice. What we did do. I just, I don't know.

Should I give up dating and just go back to seeing/whatever-it-is-I'm-doing with him, or should I keep trying? Should I go after P? Should I try with Muscles?

I do like Muscles. I think. I haven't talked to him recently, which is okay, I'm pretty sure. He's four hours away, so that's okay. And he's really easy to talk to. And he has a love of sports and music, which is always good. But. But he is very into church. And I'm so afraid of that day, that day when he asks me to go to to church with him, and even if I do go, I'm not going to lie for sake of a relationship. And I don't want him to be upset with me because what I believe.

And same with P. What am I supposed to do about that? I have no idea about him, and I still can't stop thinking about him. But I know he goes to First Baptist of Woodstock, and I can't do with that. And I don't know if he would be open to just being respectful to my beliefs. I would be to his. And I want to stress that expotentially to him, to anyone. But the way he looks at me, oh, it just drives me wild. And, I just, Jesus, this all scares me so bad.

all these lies

and not enough hope to fill a bucket.

I can't believe my best friend would lie about something like that. Well, something that has no bearing on my life or his. I can't stand doing this to myself. I don't even know what to do anymore. It's killing me. Seriously.

I need to run away. I need to run from everything that angers me, from everything that frightens me, from everything that hates me.

He scares me. The person he is now, he's stronger than me. He's stronger than he's ever been and it scares the shit out of me. He over powers me without realizing it. He can shut up me with a single look. And the worst part is, it's all because of everything that happened. I want nothing more than to scream at him. To ask him what really happened with his father. To ask him why the fuck he believed him, that baby-killer.

And there is nothing more I need than hope. Hope that things work out with anything. Hope that I can fulfill my dreams. Hope that I will one day gather up nerve and run as far as I can away from here.

April 29, 2009

Ella Marie's Birthday.
I don't know how long it's going to take me to get used to this as a new birthday in the Goff family. It's strange. I can't believe how fast I fell in love with her. She's absolutely perfect. I can't wait to play with her, and to buy her toys, and to take her out to get ice cream and to the park. I can't wait to teach her how to swim, and how to speak French, I can't wait for everything.

I just got done with Sex and the City: Season Two and I hate Big and love Steve. End of story.

I can't believe I just admitted to my ex that I lied about how many people I've been with.

I can't believe I'm talking to my ex. Again.

I know my friends will hate me for this. For talking to him. I don't want to. I have a date with Muscles when he comes back from school. If that's even still on. I still don't believe that he likes me. I can't believe that it's Muscles.

And all I have to say is, if I followed everyone's advice, I'd never talk to anyone I know.