i'll always be learning.

i'm learning my lesson.

everyone does at some point. i mean, it's nature. you learn what not to say, what not to do, what not to think, feel, react.

i wish i could say that i'll never go through this again. i wish i could say that i'll protect myself next time, i'll won't trust again, but i know that's a lie. the exact same thing will happen again. i'm not going to be the bitter bitch i am right now. i'm not going to be angry and mean and standoff-ish. i'll giggle and blush and shake when i'm around him. i'll think about him all the time, and i'll talk about him all the time to my friends.

i'm going to take this situation, i suppose is the best way to put it, and file it away forever. i'll keep the knowledge forever and i'll remember the lessons this time.

enjoy every moment.
stand up for what you believe in.
voice your opinions and your thoughts; never keep anything to yourself.
never trust an ounce of alcohol.
they always lie; whatever sweet things he whispers in your ear, it's a lie, a falsehood, a fib.
be wary of friends and how they interact with each other.
when it's over & done with, let it be done. it's meant to be.
never compromise your beliefs to spend time with him; never leave your friends for him, either.
& i suppose this is the most important one learned:
it's never true what they say, so always, always think twice before moving forward.



you know, the funniest thing is, he doesn't even remember anything. god, i got a little crazy and i let him call me baby. well, i get so confused and frustrated, forget what i'm trying to say. yes, i remember what you told me last night.



i mean, i guess i had it coming.

is it so hard to keep a guy interested for more than a week?

the funny thing? i still feel beautiful. this is it for now. no more. i'm done talking about it. i'm moving on to much bigger and much better things.





goodbye.

i can't believe it's happening again.

i can't even put into words what i'm feeling right now.









i'm done trying. i did this before and it just drew out the inevitable.
seriously, if i find out it's because of her, i'm going to lose my goddamn mind. i will go crazy, and you ain't seen me crazy yet.

as the new year is ringing in

things are different. i've moved on, and in an excellent and wonderful and i-can-stop-thinking-about-him way. but overall, things are crazy. i mean, if anyone had told the me from a year ago that this was all going to happened, i would have laughed for an hour. the year 2008 was crazy for me. absolutely bat-shit insane. i went through some of the hardest times, and i made some pretty big mistakes. i grew as a person, and i gained valuable friendships that i wouldn't give up for the world. but lately, this past month has given me experiences that i never thought would ever happen. from things revolving john's party to everything about brandon to new years eve to julie's party to everything, things are so different for me. i'm doing more, seeing more, experiencing more, and i love it. this was the college experience i wanted. i have wanted and wanted for so long, and i've had so many things holding me back, and now i'm finally getting what i deserve, and i'm standing facing the new unknown, grinning and my back to the past.



i'm so excited for the new year, and i'm really excited for school to start up again. i'm looking forward to everything, and i'm going to make sure that this year is better than last year. i know i can't stand to go through what happened last year. from january, to finding out the lies, to april and the heartache, to the summer, to school, november, and finally these last months. i can't believe that this year is already gone, and i'm so excited to start fresh. i'm going to be a better person and i'm going to make all who love me proud of me.



i wish i could let him know what he means to me. i wish i could tell him that i'm scared. i'm scared to death of getting hurt again. not just physically, but emotionally. i'm scared i'm not going to be good enough for him. i really hope that i am. and one more thing? you're all i want.