and i know it's been a while

so there's some to update everyone with.

school is over for the semester. no more 'year of turkey learning community.' and it's on to make friends in separate classes. i can't decide if i'm going to let my fears win over my desire to make new friends.

i figured out i can go to UGA in fall of '09 instead of waiting until spring '10, which is really exciting. i plan on moving in with the people i met in UGA, but i'm terrified my best friend will hate me for it. i don't know what to do, except for move on with my plans.

i lost my iPod. which is not what happened at all. but i'm scared to tell my parents.

i like a new boy. a very, very handsome boy. of course, this boy probably has no clue and never will because i'm too scared to tell him. of course he goes to Tech, which would only make sense since i'm leaving to go to UGA in a semester's time.

what i really want to know though, is how i promised myself that i would make a change and it's still hasn't come about. i'm still too scared to do anything. i hate that about myself so much. i just want companionship. i want that cuddle-on-the-couch-because-it's-raining-outside. i want the holding hands thing, i want the kissing and the hugging.

and of course, this story will end with another, "i don't think of you like this, maybe we can be friends."



i just don't understand what i'm doing wrong.

here's my letter to you

i wonder if you'll ever get it.

the seven things i hate about you, you're vain, your games, you're insecure, you love me, you like her, you make me laugh, you make me cry, i don't know which side to buy, your friends, they're jerks, when you act like them just know it hurts.

it's awkward and silent as i wait for you to say, what i need to hear now, your sincere apology, when you mean it, i'll believe it, if you text it, i'll delete it. let's be clear, oh, i'm not coming back.

gotta gotta be down because i want it all. it started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this? it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss. now i'm falling asleep and she's calling a cab, while i'm having a smoke, and she's taking a drag. Now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick and it's all in my head but she's touching his chest now, he takes off her dress now, let me go. and i just can't look, it's killing me, and taking control, jealously, turning saints into the sea.

every single lie you told, i'm telling. every promise that you broke i'm ratting you out. every girl in this world's gonna know your name.

and there you are, on your knees, begging for forgiveness, begging for me, just like i always wanted but i'm so sorry. i'm not your princess, this ain't a fairy tale. i'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well. this is a big world, that was a small town.

and it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now.

it's never over

i still miss you.

i still dream about you at night.

i still feel you. your chest under my hand, your leg against mine, your shoulder, your hand, your everything.

and i just wonder, why didn't it work out? why can't it? i'm so caught up in you, i can't find the old me. i can't find me at all.

"Lyssa! Please don't get mad, but I told him!" Stephanie shouted into the phone.

"What? You did?" I asked quizzically. My heart started to beat fast, just like every other time someone found out I like him. I started to come up with ways to tell him that it's just a simple crush, even though I knew that was a pile of shit.

"YES! And, oh God, I have to be quick. He called me and asked for your number!" My heart stopped. "And he's going to call you and ask you on a date! I have to get off, he'll be calling soon! And don't tell him I called you at all!" Right as she was telling me that last part, the phone beeped to let me know that someone else was calling.

A strange number filled my screen. Oh, oh my God. It's him. Him. The boy I've been dreaming about for two years. Is calling me and asking me out on a date. I squealed out loud, causing my mother to turn around and look at me, rolling her eyes.

"Hello?" My voice cracked. Of course. My one chance to sound smooth and confident. Maybe he didn't notice.

"Hey. Is this Alyssa?"

"Yeah. It's me." I paused. Wait, I thought, I'm not supposed to know who this is. "Who is this?"

"Kyle." Yeah, I know that, I thought to myself. "So, uh. What's up?"

"Oh, nothing. I just got back from swim practice." My hands are shaking so hard, I nearly drop the phone. I'm surprised at myself for not doing so already. I'm pacing so hard in the garage, my legs barely stable enough to keep me up. I feel as if I stop, I'll collapse on the cold cement.

"You swim? I didn't know that." He's trying to make small conversation. I can tell. Get on with it, I thought, and ask me out!

"Yeah, it's pretty amazing. I love swimming. Except for the, you know, swimming in the cold part."

"Yeah, that does suck," he laughs. He pauses, then adds, "So, uh, are you free on Saturday? Saturday night, that is?" Oh my God. He just did it. Well, kind of. That's kind of asking out? Right? Or maybe it's coming up? God, I wish I had more experience in this.

"Yeah, I'm free. Nothing to do." My mother shoots me a look-it's her birthday. Oh, shit. Well, I'm not saying no. Hell no. I wouldn't care if JFK was coming back from the dead and having dinner with us, I'm going out with him. I don't care if I have to WALK there.

"Do you, uh, want to go see a movie?" There it is. My hands are shaking so hard. I'm walking back and forth and back and forth. I can't stop.

"That would be great! What would you want to see?" I try to go through the movies I know for sure are out, but I can't think of a single one. Wizard of Oz? Sleepless in Seattle? I had no idea.

"Oh, uh, let me check. I'm right next to our computer." I hear some rustling around, and then typing on a keyboard. I am pratically running on the floor, pacing so fast. I keep whispering to myself, oh my god, oh my god, OHMYGOD. I can't even believe this is happening to me. Girls like me don't get the prince from our dreams at night. "Boots! Stop it!"

"Who is Boots?" Is that some sort of weird pet name for your mother? A dog, maybe?

"It's our cat. She's crazy." What? Kyle has a cat?

"You have a cat?" I voice my question. I love my cat Murdoch, but I never would have pictured him with a cat. He's a dog person. Yes, I've decided he's a dog guy. Not a cat guy.

"Yeah. It's my sister's. Okay. I have the movies up. We can see King Kong." I laugh in my head. Hell no, I'm not sitting through a three hour long movie with him. I don't care how much I'm in love with him, if he turns out like a weirdo like the rest of the guys I've dated, that would be hell twice over. Yeah, that's not going to happen.

"Um, I don't know about King Kong. I'm not really into those types of movies," I lie, which comes out surprisingly smooth despite the situation. "What else is playing?"

"How about The Ringer? That looks funny." He makes the suggestion, and I hear the slight desperation in his voice, or maybe it's something else? Annoyance? I'm not sure what it could be.

"Yes! I saw the preview for that. It looks really funny. That sounds great. What time?"

"How is around 7? There's a showing for 7:20."

i know it's time for me to grow up.

I was with him for three years. Three years of my high school years. From 15 to almost 19. From my sophomore year to my freshman in college. The fact is, those years are crucial. You learn who you are in that time. What you want to do and what you will be and everything. I feel that I missed out on that. I feel that I grew up with him, and not as my own person. I feel that I can't go on without leaning on someone. I was so afraid this was going to happen. My friends warned me. My parents tried to stop it. And it still happened.

I will grow up. I will become me. I will be my own person. It will take some time and it will take some patience. I will learn how to flirt, and flirt good. I will learn that how to talk to someone I do not know and will never see again. I will learn how to make new friends and keep them. I will learn how to do good in school and be the best out there.

I will learn it all, and I will take this city of mine by storm.

those sweet words

"i'm sorry about everytime that i ever hurt you. i wish i could take it all back just to make you smile again, but i don't know how. But at the same time i'm so grateful for everything you've given to me, everything you've taught me about love and myself, and everything that you've help me. i know there's no possible way for me to repay you for all this, but i pray to God there is a way i could help you in someway. i will never forget all the amazing things you've done for me. i could think of a thousand songs that remind me of you. i love you and i hope you can forgive me for hurting you. even if i have to wait until the day i die."

this has possibly been some of the sweetest things you've ever said to me, but at the same time, i knew. i knew about her before you told me; the same with amelia & jessie. one part of me thinks is great that you've moved on, but the other part thinks why have you? what made you move on so quickly? & everytime you've moved on so quickly, i get left hurt, alone & in the dark. i know this is for the best. this is why it's being done. but you are so caught up in my life, so intertwined, i can't see the old me that isn't connected to you someway. i can't see me without you. i was so afraid of this, and it took breaking up to realize this. i don't know how to go on with life without you, but i know i have to. moving on, getting over you has been the hardest thing i've ever had to do, and i know i have to do it.

i thought it was true love. truely, i did. but when i found myself crying in the car after hearing Mr. Brightside, still, after ten months after it happened, i knew i needed to get over it on my own before i hurt you in the process. i knew after everytime i saw her or heard about her or even saw her name, i couldn't keep doing this. i'm still angry at you. i still hate you for what you did back in january. you ruined my birthday, and i still hate you for that. i hate you for your damned lip ring and that damned motorcycle. i begged you not to get it and you still did. i cried and asked you, 'what about me?' and yet, you still did it. i hate you for not going to greg & mike's weddings. what did i do to make you not care enough? to not care like i did? i felt we were family, but it was never enough. we were too fast, too much, and too involved way too young. i missed out on growing up as a person; instead, i was one-half of a whole. i hate that these last 6 months have been about you. i hate that your damn family made it that way. i hate jonathan. i hate your damn father and what he did. i hate that night when our lives fell apart. i hate that you never trusted me and that i always gave in to your inquiries. i hate that your friends influence you.

most of all, i hate that i'm all alone.