I figured it out. I figured it all out and I'm so happy.
He looks like the nighttime sky. The most beautiful thing in the world.
I love it. I love him.
9.24.2009
9.17.2009
well it's been a while
And I mean quite a while.
Updates:
1. I went on the first vacation in about two years (Yay!)
2. Started a second job (Nannying is NOT what it's cracked up to be. At all).
3. Moved out (Yup. I really, really did it).
4. Started my second year of college (Shit's for real now. Pretty scary stuff).
Anyway. Things have been going amazing lately. Amazing. The apartment, the boy, school, jobs, everything. Except for one thing.
The migraines have started up again. It's terrible. One day I had to leave work at 11:30 because I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk, I couldn't even talk it hurt so bad. I couldn't focus when driving home, and basically got into bed and slept until about 4. I had another one quite recently and it stayed for two whole freaking days. All I know is I'm going to be pissed if I get these migraines back from when I had them bad in 5th grade. Things are going well and I don't need anything else screwing it up for me. Not now.
Updates:
1. I went on the first vacation in about two years (Yay!)
2. Started a second job (Nannying is NOT what it's cracked up to be. At all).
3. Moved out (Yup. I really, really did it).
4. Started my second year of college (Shit's for real now. Pretty scary stuff).
Anyway. Things have been going amazing lately. Amazing. The apartment, the boy, school, jobs, everything. Except for one thing.
The migraines have started up again. It's terrible. One day I had to leave work at 11:30 because I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk, I couldn't even talk it hurt so bad. I couldn't focus when driving home, and basically got into bed and slept until about 4. I had another one quite recently and it stayed for two whole freaking days. All I know is I'm going to be pissed if I get these migraines back from when I had them bad in 5th grade. Things are going well and I don't need anything else screwing it up for me. Not now.
8.08.2009
please, never again.
I trust you.
I feel so much for you. In fact, I feel, well, I don't know if I can say it here. I'm scared to say it because I don't know if I can say it first. I'm too scared. I'm far too scared. And I always will be. That's why I keep feelings inside for the most part, until I explode and everything comes out in a bundle of words that don't make any sense to anyone but myself.
I can't imagine what things would be like without you now. Without you here, saving me from loneliness.
I want to be everything for you as you are for me.
That being said, please, please, please don't ever yell at me like that. It was scary. It was sad. It felt like you-know-who all over again. You're better than him. You're a thousand times better the man he ever was and ever will be. I never want to be transported back to that feeling ever again.
Please.
I feel so much for you. In fact, I feel, well, I don't know if I can say it here. I'm scared to say it because I don't know if I can say it first. I'm too scared. I'm far too scared. And I always will be. That's why I keep feelings inside for the most part, until I explode and everything comes out in a bundle of words that don't make any sense to anyone but myself.
I can't imagine what things would be like without you now. Without you here, saving me from loneliness.
I want to be everything for you as you are for me.
That being said, please, please, please don't ever yell at me like that. It was scary. It was sad. It felt like you-know-who all over again. You're better than him. You're a thousand times better the man he ever was and ever will be. I never want to be transported back to that feeling ever again.
Please.
7.10.2009
it's late
and I can't sleep, of course.
I'm talking on the phone with Chris right now (hey Chris!) and I can't really decide how I want to start this. I mean, I don't really know what I'm going to write. So here goes.
Chris says I'm amazing. He says I'm awesome and everything, but I don't see it. I mean, okay, maybe I'm awesome now, but I mean, I just feel like I'm waiting for the day that he wakes up and realizes that he can do better than me. I don't know. I just, sometimes feel in over my head. Not anything too seriously. I mean, it's hard knowing that I don't know his friends, or that there was no common ground when we started dating. It wasn't hard, I guess I should say, but it was scary. Scarier than anything I have been through in the past year, and I've been through a lot. But knowing that there is no one else there for me who knows me, who knows my past is hard. They know nothing of my high school career. They know nothing about me in my middle school years.
But at the same time, isn't this what I wanted all throughout high school? A chance to start over? A chance to start new with someone who didn't know all of my flaws? I wanted to run away so badly to Montana, to start all over with all new people. I essentially did that with Chris. I just didn't have to move a thousand miles away. I love that Chris and his friends think I'm cool, but I'm scared that they'll figure out that I'm not cool. I was a loser growing up.
I'm so thankful for Chris. He has no idea how close I was to giving up completely on boys, on relationships, on all of that.
I'm so glad he came into Steak n' Shake that day and I am so damn glad he asked for my number.
I'm talking on the phone with Chris right now (hey Chris!) and I can't really decide how I want to start this. I mean, I don't really know what I'm going to write. So here goes.
Chris says I'm amazing. He says I'm awesome and everything, but I don't see it. I mean, okay, maybe I'm awesome now, but I mean, I just feel like I'm waiting for the day that he wakes up and realizes that he can do better than me. I don't know. I just, sometimes feel in over my head. Not anything too seriously. I mean, it's hard knowing that I don't know his friends, or that there was no common ground when we started dating. It wasn't hard, I guess I should say, but it was scary. Scarier than anything I have been through in the past year, and I've been through a lot. But knowing that there is no one else there for me who knows me, who knows my past is hard. They know nothing of my high school career. They know nothing about me in my middle school years.
But at the same time, isn't this what I wanted all throughout high school? A chance to start over? A chance to start new with someone who didn't know all of my flaws? I wanted to run away so badly to Montana, to start all over with all new people. I essentially did that with Chris. I just didn't have to move a thousand miles away. I love that Chris and his friends think I'm cool, but I'm scared that they'll figure out that I'm not cool. I was a loser growing up.
I'm so thankful for Chris. He has no idea how close I was to giving up completely on boys, on relationships, on all of that.
I'm so glad he came into Steak n' Shake that day and I am so damn glad he asked for my number.
6.26.2009
this is a good thing,
but I haven't been posting because there isn't any reason to anymore.
I mean, things are happening. Things are happening like crazy. For starters, Michael Jackson died, along with Farrah Fawcett. Jackson was only 50 and Fawcett was only 62. Both younger than my grandmother. Granted, most grandmothers should be old, but still. I feel as though 50 and 62 are far too young to die.
It turns out there is a chance I can move into an apartment in late July versus the middle of August, which would help me out a lot with everything that I have planned at the end of July, more notably the wedding in Virginia.
When I say there aren't things needed to be posted on here, I really mean that things with Chris and I are going great. Really great. I got drunk last night in front of him. Really, really drunk. Stupid, hitting my head against a chair drunk. I'm having people telling me about what I had talked about last night and I completely understand why people don't remember what they had said while being drunk. Embarrassing, yes. God, yes. It's unnatural how embarrassed I am about it. But I did have fun. Oh, yes I did. And I totally feel like this was needed. I mean, I've drank in front of him, but never like this. I did four shots in an hour. I think. Well, an hour and a half, I suppose. And then I got to do two more shots after the worst of my drunk-ness.
Anyway. There's not too much to add to this posting. I wanted to be able to tell Chris that I updated my blog (finally).
:)
I mean, things are happening. Things are happening like crazy. For starters, Michael Jackson died, along with Farrah Fawcett. Jackson was only 50 and Fawcett was only 62. Both younger than my grandmother. Granted, most grandmothers should be old, but still. I feel as though 50 and 62 are far too young to die.
It turns out there is a chance I can move into an apartment in late July versus the middle of August, which would help me out a lot with everything that I have planned at the end of July, more notably the wedding in Virginia.
When I say there aren't things needed to be posted on here, I really mean that things with Chris and I are going great. Really great. I got drunk last night in front of him. Really, really drunk. Stupid, hitting my head against a chair drunk. I'm having people telling me about what I had talked about last night and I completely understand why people don't remember what they had said while being drunk. Embarrassing, yes. God, yes. It's unnatural how embarrassed I am about it. But I did have fun. Oh, yes I did. And I totally feel like this was needed. I mean, I've drank in front of him, but never like this. I did four shots in an hour. I think. Well, an hour and a half, I suppose. And then I got to do two more shots after the worst of my drunk-ness.
Anyway. There's not too much to add to this posting. I wanted to be able to tell Chris that I updated my blog (finally).
:)
6.13.2009
moving on out
in August. Of course the apartment that would have been available now has already been leased.
Duh.
Anyway. Here's a list of things I'll need. If I don't write all this down somewhere, I'll never remember everything.
Bedroom
Bed
Bookshelf (2)
Desk
TV (and TV stand)
Laundry baskets (at least 2, if not 3)
Storage drawers (for dresser)
Under-the-bed storage (2)
Curtains
Printer
Mirror
Trash can
Clothes (duh)
Movies and music
Bathroom
Towels
Bathmats
Toothbrush holder & cup
Basket to keep things in
Makeup container
CD player
Hair dryer
Flat iron straightener
Living Room/Kitchen
Couches/Chairs
Coffee table
TV
Rugs (?)
Toaster
Microwave
Rice cooker
Grill (of the George Foreman variety)
Dishes
Glasses
Silverware
Silverware HOLDER
Pots & pans
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. We still need a lot for the kitchen. I haven't even thought about all of this.
And I really need to get some sleep.
Duh.
Anyway. Here's a list of things I'll need. If I don't write all this down somewhere, I'll never remember everything.
Bedroom
Bed
Bookshelf (2)
Desk
TV (and TV stand)
Laundry baskets (at least 2, if not 3)
Storage drawers (for dresser)
Under-the-bed storage (2)
Curtains
Printer
Mirror
Trash can
Clothes (duh)
Movies and music
Bathroom
Towels
Bathmats
Toothbrush holder & cup
Basket to keep things in
Makeup container
CD player
Hair dryer
Flat iron straightener
Living Room/Kitchen
Couches/Chairs
Coffee table
TV
Rugs (?)
Toaster
Microwave
Rice cooker
Grill (of the George Foreman variety)
Dishes
Glasses
Silverware
Silverware HOLDER
Pots & pans
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. We still need a lot for the kitchen. I haven't even thought about all of this.
And I really need to get some sleep.
6.12.2009
& not a moment too soon
I'm moving out.
Soon, I mean. Not today. But I'm looking at the apartment with one of the roommates tomorrow afternoon.
And of course, my parents don't think I can do it. Of course. I mean, I understand why. I do. But I'm not doing what my mother did. I don't know why she thinks that's acceptable for me, but it's not. I'm not living at home until I'm married. There's a whole wide world out there for me, and you can bet yourself that I'm going to explore it. I can't stay here anymore. I'm sick of telling them where I am all the time (and lying to them about where I really am), I'm sick of sharing a room, I'm sick of feeling guilty about not being at home. I'm in college, and Mum and Dad, I'm sorry college didn't work out for you, but I'm going to enjoy my college years. I'm going to do stupid things and live on my own and be poor, and I'm going to love it. I'm going to cherish these years that I'll never be able to get back after I graduate.
Anyway. I feel terrible for Chris. He's sick, and, well, thank you jesus for him not being a great big BABY about being sick. I can't stand that so much. He's just the same, if not a little more quiet about it. I'm sick of having to completely take care of people while they're sick. Seriously. But I just feel bad because I'm also more quiet while he's sick because I don't know the right thing to say. I never know the right thing to say or do when I'm around him. Whenever I see him, my stomach does flip-flops, and my heart jumps to my throat. I still get nervous when I look into his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, and my skin feels alive whenever he touches me.
Oh, sweet jesus, I hope he's not reading this.
I mean, it's been a month. One month since he got my number and this wonderful adventure began. Stephanie thinks we're moving a bit too fast. We've already spent the night together twice, and I understand why she's so concerned. This is exactly how I get myself hurt. And you know, the thing is? I don't even care.
So. I will enjoy this. I will cherish it, love the moments, live the moments.
:)
Soon, I mean. Not today. But I'm looking at the apartment with one of the roommates tomorrow afternoon.
And of course, my parents don't think I can do it. Of course. I mean, I understand why. I do. But I'm not doing what my mother did. I don't know why she thinks that's acceptable for me, but it's not. I'm not living at home until I'm married. There's a whole wide world out there for me, and you can bet yourself that I'm going to explore it. I can't stay here anymore. I'm sick of telling them where I am all the time (and lying to them about where I really am), I'm sick of sharing a room, I'm sick of feeling guilty about not being at home. I'm in college, and Mum and Dad, I'm sorry college didn't work out for you, but I'm going to enjoy my college years. I'm going to do stupid things and live on my own and be poor, and I'm going to love it. I'm going to cherish these years that I'll never be able to get back after I graduate.
Anyway. I feel terrible for Chris. He's sick, and, well, thank you jesus for him not being a great big BABY about being sick. I can't stand that so much. He's just the same, if not a little more quiet about it. I'm sick of having to completely take care of people while they're sick. Seriously. But I just feel bad because I'm also more quiet while he's sick because I don't know the right thing to say. I never know the right thing to say or do when I'm around him. Whenever I see him, my stomach does flip-flops, and my heart jumps to my throat. I still get nervous when I look into his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, and my skin feels alive whenever he touches me.
Oh, sweet jesus, I hope he's not reading this.
I mean, it's been a month. One month since he got my number and this wonderful adventure began. Stephanie thinks we're moving a bit too fast. We've already spent the night together twice, and I understand why she's so concerned. This is exactly how I get myself hurt. And you know, the thing is? I don't even care.
So. I will enjoy this. I will cherish it, love the moments, live the moments.
:)
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